Welcome back to Bake-Off Watch-Off, the critically-acclaimed Great British Bake Off watch-along blog series! Critically-acclaimed in the sense that I have acclaimed it, in a critical manner. The Times hasn't replied to my suggestion to start reviewing nigh-unknown fan blogs. Let's get into it!

This is the best into the show has ever had, even if Matt Lucas with hair freaks me out.

Episode 1: Cake Week

Expectations:

This week, for me, is less about cake and more about being week one. We meet the bakers, we see who can actually perform in the tent. The challenges should be relatively simple because we're not trying to trip people up, we're just assessing their basic baking ability (for the judges) and their personalities (for the viewers). While I think it would be interesting to have a season where cake is a mid-series episode, as long as it's episode one, cake week should be a... cake walk.

Let's move on.

Series Episode Signature Technical Showstopper
Series 1 Episode 1 Any Cake Victoria Sandwich Chocolate Celebration Cake
Series 2 Episode 1 Cupcakes Coffee-Walnut Battenberg Chocolate Tiered Cake
Series 3 Episode 1 Upside Down Cake Rum Babas Hidden Design Cake
Series 4 Episode 1 Sandwich Cake Angel Food Cake Chocolate Cake
Series 5 Episode 1 Swiss Roll Cherry Cake Classic Miniature British Cakes
Series 6 Episode 1 Madeira Cake Frosted Walnut Layer Cake Black Forest Gâteau
Series 7 Episode 1 Drizzle Cake Jaffa Cakes Mirror Glaze Cake
Series 8 Episode 1 Fruity Cake Chocolate Mini Rolls Illusion Cake
Series 9 Episode 2 Traybake Wagon Wheels Chocolate Collar Cake
Series 10 Episode 1 Fruit Cake Angel Cake Slices Birthday Cake
Series 11 Episode 1 Battenberg Cake Mini Pineapple Upside-Down Cakes Celebrity Hero Cake Bust
Series 12 Episode 1 Mini Rolls Malt Loaf Anti-Gravity Illusion Cake

The Challenges:

Signature (Mini Rolls): An old standby, and a good choice for our first Signature. Everyone knew what it was, it's generic enough of a challenge to allow for some creativity without getting weird. It's also a member of the Cross-Challenge Club, having been the Technical challenge in the Series 8 cake week.

Hats off to Jürgen for making a Black Forest inspired bake, being from the Black Forest. I asked Kendall how many Black Forest-inspired bakes she thought he'd make this season, and she said two; I came down on four. Meanwhile, our condolences to the two bakers who brought British Black Forests to a German Black Forest fight.

Technical (Malt Loaf): From Wikipedia: "a type of sweet leavened bread made with malt extract as a primary ingredient... often contains raisins." Whether this is a cake or a bread is a question for the philosophers; sure felt weird to show them buttering something on Cake Week.

Good technical for the first week, too—no one screwed up too badly, but there was enough variety in the bakes for the judges to rank them.

Showstopper (Anti-Gravity Illusion Cake): I hate this challenge. I hate all these kitschy, Nailed-It, fondant-clad insane asks that home bakers would never want to do. This is better—by a lot—than those horrifying cake heads from last year, but still feels like the producers are trying to make this a different show. And I don't buy that you start running out of options after 12 years. Look at the table! Cut it out with the illusion nonsense, and just let people make beautiful cakes instead of clunky messes.

So, these cakes are supposed to (visually) defy gravity. We've actually seen a few of these, in the past—Nadiya did a soda-flavored cake that appeared to be pouring out of a can. There are three cake-stand-based approaches the bakers took: a cake stand on top of a pole, like Giuseppe's or Freya's; a hanging stand, like Jürgen's lamp or Rochica's apple; or a stand that looks like a bendy straw stuck on top of a plate. Once you have the right cake stand, you just have to add enough crisped rice, meringue, or fondant to cover it up. Which really brings up the question we brushed off last challenge: What is a cake?

See, Paul criticized Amanda's "Surf Explosion" cake (one of only two non-cake-stand-based showstoppers, and the only one that actually seemed to defy gravity), suggesting that it might not fit the brief because only the crisped-rice portion was "anti-gravity". But if you take away the crisped rice and fondant from everyone else's cakes, you just get... a bunch of cakes on stands. Interesting stands, sure. But given that the illusion seems to require those decorative elements regardless of execution, that would make them part of the cake, so Amanda's cake should have been totally fine.

Really, the only cake that didn't seem to hit the brief at all was Tom's very slightly leaning tiered cake, which is probably why...

The Results

Tom went out. It's the best explanation I can think of; his bakes weren't great, but going into the results I didn't even realize that someone besides Amanda or Jairzeno was even an option. Amanda came last in the Technical, and they discounted her design; Jairzeno didn't even finish his showstopper (it was meant to have a hanging paint can). I don't think anyone's been disqualified on the show before, so I don't know if they'd come right out and say it, but Tom's bake missed the brief even in the design, which might have been enough to push him out.

Jürgen took Star Baker, which was absolutely no surprise, and which leads nicely into:

The Predictions

Final five (alphabetically, my pick for winner in bold, Kendall's in italics):

  • Crystelle
  • Freya
  • Giuseppe
  • Jürgen
  • Maggie

See y'all next week!

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