*Hick* You want some crimes solving, do you? Then wlecokmwfe to Davces Drinken Dtective AGency. HELLO!
Crimes... crimes are bloody lovely I bloody love them you my best mate you are. Marry me? I marry you. I marry crimes and... *sob* no one loves me I'm a Detective AND THE BEST IN THE WORLD!
If you want them crimes then you in the right place! I'm a crime busting *hick* son of a gun and I'm gonna puke so got me copywriter to explain rest lol... you startin'? YOU STARTIN!?
The Drunken Detective
Although Dave is drunk most of them time, make no mistake—he's the best drunken detective in the world. Capable of:
- Not drooling all over himself despite his inebriated state.
- Formulating somewhat coherent sentences.
- Remembering most things (he keeps a detailed notebook, which is often fully legible).
- Telling everyone he, "Bloody loves you, you're my best mate you are."
- Starting fisticuffs with the most innocuous people he meets.
- Raucously singing songs at inappropriate moments.
- Forgetting what he's doing and why he's there.
- Arguing furiously with whomever has hired him for a case.
Dave is a skilled detective with six months' experience, as well as being a career alcoholic with a 1,000 yard bleak stare of existential disdain.
A consummate professional, he's skilled in solving crimes such as:
- Genocide.
- Murder.
- Nuclear wars.
- World wars.
- Pickpocketing.
- Football hooliganism.
- Trivial bickering.
- Cheese.
During his career, Dave has solved zero crimes from the 30 cases he's been hired to manage, but is determined to improve his game and reach the level of a "normal" detective.
Detectiving shouldn't just be for sober people. That is discrimination.
If someone wants to become a private investigator, they should be allowed to be as wasted as they feel like. That's the nature of the free world.
Drunken Dave's Drunken Detective Techniques
Dave is schooled in the art of drunken argy-bargy and can get anyone to talk.
Whether they know anything (or not).
And whether they're innocent (or not).
His getting people to talk tactics are cutting-edge psychological techniques ascertained through concepts such as threats of violence, being annoying, and watching the latest episodes of JCS - Criminal Psychology. They include:
- Grabbing everyone by their shirt collars.
- Breathing his beer breath over suspects (a legal torture method).
- Forgetting what to say, and what he's doing, and then asking the suspect out for a pint.
- Accusing everyone of being a genocidal maniac.
- Doubling down if threatened with slander, then simply accusing them of first-degree murder instead.
- Apologising with a pat on the back if he's been "wrong" with his assessments.
- Vomiting casually all over the floor between bouts of questioning.
As one case study for Dave's Drunken Detective Agency had to say:
"Dave was incompetent to the extreme. I hired him to investigate whether my wife is cheating on me, but he accused me of murdering Saddam Hussein and proceeded to grab me by the scruff of the neck. After he relented, he apologised and offered to buy me a pint. I agreed. Later, he had no memory of any of anything. Worst service ever!!"
So, if you've got a case that needs solving, drunken Dave is your crime buster! Hire him, buy him a pack of four, and watch him work his magic!
Within a few hours he'll be unconscious on the floor and snoring before you can say, "Jesus Christ, that was a waste of money..."
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