At Broken Windows we deliver books in the tried-and-tested (and much-loved) fashion of the arcade game Paperboy.
Smashing our way through windows to deliver books!
Either that or one of our EXPERT employees uses his or her fists to smash a hole in your allocated windows, through which he or she will dump your books!
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE IN!
Whether you're in the slammer facing manslaughter charges or on the toilet so don't want to face our employees out of chronic shame, we'll break those windows and dump classics such as The Gift of Anger by Arun Gandhi.
The Shattered Literary Dreams of Broken Windows
You may ask yourself this pertinent question:
"Why don't you just knock on the door and hand the books over without any vandalism and damage to someone's property?"
Well, reading enthusiast, the reality is the world doesn't have time for knocking on someone's door and waiting a few minutes for someone to answer.
Plus, what if they're at work!? Then what!? What if nobody is in!?
You have to post through their letterbox a "Sorry we missed you!" letter and rearrange the book delivery or get them to head to our depot that's in the middle of nowhere and will waste a solid two hours of their spare time.
The solution is obvious. Through one of your windows goes:
- The books.
- An employee's fist.
We only hire black belt karate experts at Broken Windows, so you can guarantee your windows will be shattered in the most clinical fashion imaginable.
There'll be absolutely no misjudged kiai moments, burst main arteries, blood flying everywhere, lawsuits at the end of it all.
No. Just total peace of mind—a few broken windows and a book or two ready and waiting for you at your convenience.
Plus, once your window has been broken there's no need to break it ever again! Just a new book (or two) once a week delivered by our enormously underpaid, irritable, and unhappy delivery drivers/karate experts. Kiai!
Broken Windows FAQs
Now that you're gagging to use our service, here are some answers to our customers' frequently asked questions.
How much is this window breaking book delivery service?
It's only £100 a month subscription fee! However, please note you're responsible for (if you feel the need) repairing the windows that'll be broken at your property.
How do I tell if it's Broken Windows Book Delivery Service that broke my windows, as opposed to a common thief trying to steal my big screen TV?
Well, the best bet there is to make sure you're aware of our delivery day to you. Chances are, if the glass is shattered on your due date, it's just us delivering your books!
It'd be genuine sod's law if you got burgled on the day you also received our books, but at least the chance to buckle down and wade through 50 Shades of Gray would take your mind off that lost big screen TV.
This is stupid! Just deliver my books like a normal book delivery business! I'm not in the market for all these broken windows, FFS!
There's no need to be rude! If you don't want to use our service, you're free to cancel your subscription at any time.
However, please note the following stipulations in your contract:
- Locating our special cancellation number on our website, which we've been sure to tuck away into an obscure location that'll leave you enraged during your mission to find it.
- Calling Broken Windows to speak to an advisor regarding your cancellation request and meeting the needs of our 12-step cancellation process:
- Including performing a moving rendition of ABBA's Dancing Queen, which you must pass as an opening phase requirement with a score of at least 7/10.
- If you move the advisor to tears with your performance, you will pass this stage instantaneously.
- Paying a £1,000 cancellation fee.
- Returning all of your books to us (on pain of a £1,000 late return fee).
Rest assured, you can resume your subscription with Broken Windows at any time after cancellation!
It's the best way to ensure you get books literally flying through your windows through every week of the annual year!
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