Okay, last time out Santa hired the Walrus called Kenneth. It was a marvellous day for everyone and Father Christmas now has a jack-of-all-trades in his factory to help out with XMas stuff.
This week Santa has been inducting Kenneth into his working environment with all the malignant HR skills he can muster.
Is Man, Indeed, a Walrus at Heart?
When trying to get Kenneth the Walrus to behave on his first day at the Santa factory I, Santa Claus, was reminded of that Lewis Carroll line:
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings."
That's from The Walrus and the Carpenter poem. My head elf, Markus, handed me a copy on Kenneth's induction day as reading material for me on inducting a walrus into my workplace.
After striking Markus around the head for such a display of impertinence (OF COURSE I KNOW HOW TO INDUCT A WALRUS INTO MY BUSINESS! I'M RICH! I KNOW EVERYTHING!), I read the poem.
Thoughts? Well I mean I was very pissed on gin by that point. But the poetry book made for useful bog roll later in the day.
I'm out of the stuff. Since Mrs. Santa Claus DUMPED me I've run out of common stuff like:
- Toothpaste
- Toothbrushes
- Bog roll
- Bleach
- Bog brushes
Not that I ever used any of that lot anyway, which is why Santa has this lopsided grin. But there we go. Such is life.
Anyway, I staggered about the factory until 11am having forgotten what I was supposed to be doing, with a one hour nap along the way, when it was Kenneth's keen sense of initiative that caught Santa's attention.
He'd ambled into the Barbie doll unit of the factory while wearing his red scarf and earmuffs. Kenneth then tried to start a fight with one of the metallic contraptions in there because the noise it was kicking off annoyed him.
"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!" He bellowed.
Wouldn't you know, that lard arse smacked the machine and it instantly blew a fuse, which erupted into a bigger explosion on the opposite side of the contraption. Just as me, Santa, was walking up to it. I was bowled off my feet and many elves were sent flying.
Thankfully, I was fine (on a side note the elves survived).
But Kenneth seemed to think the accident was hilarious and started snuffling and warbling in his weird, wobbly way.
Santa gave him one of my best glares. Really stern, psycho stuff—the stare of 1,000 suns piercing into his very soul.
"Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn." He snuffled.
The SOB then started to nuzzle up to me in a display of affection... Santa almost threw up all over the floor. I really cant fathom this!
Kenneth seems to think I'm his best mate. Perhaps it's a clever ploy to win me over a get a pay rise.
But that bastard won't get a liveable wage off me that easily!
The Factory Tour
I wasn't in the mood for any stupid games with a walrus-based new starter.
Still pissed out of my head, I gave him a tour of the factory units and his various expected duties. During that 60 minute tour this is the level of damage that clumsy dipshit Kenneth caused:
- 13 fire extinguishers set off.
- Multiple equipment failures because he kept trying to destroy/mate with various factory machines.
- Several more explosions (causing the sprinkler system to go off).
- Multiple safety accidents by getting in the way of busy elves, leading to:
- Falls
- Cuts
- Burns
- Electrocutions
- One decapitation
- A general blazing inferno within factory unit four.
- Unearthing a stockpile of radioactive waste I'd been keeping secret for over five years, leading to widespread radiation poisoning in factory unit three.
Seriously, that walrus doesn't realise:
- How heavy he is.
- How bloody rambunctious he is.
- That he's a clumsy oaf!
I walrusmarched him back to my office quarters and began belabouring the SOB in between bouts of slugging from a gin bottle.
Kenneth just sat there watching me while Santa raged.
Once I'd run out of breath and was left wheezing, Kenneth reared up and let out the most frightful bloody bellow.
"HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRRGHHH!!! HNGGGGRRRHHH!! BRRRUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Kenneth then had what Santa can only describe as a temper tantrum. The immature git! He began bellowing and charged about the place, demolishing his way through a wall and obliterating my toilet and bathroom in the process! While he charged about the place smashing shit up, I bellowed at him to stop.
Markus, my head elf, had heard all the commotion and rushed into the office to generally witness the following:
Santa: KENNETH! YOU BLOODY BASTARD! STOP THAT THIS INSTANT! NOW! I COMMAND YOU!
Walrus: HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNRGHHHHHHH!!!!
Santa: THIS DAMAGE WILL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR ALREADY MEAGRE PAYCHECK! ARGGHHHH!!! STOP IT! NOW! ARRRGHHH!!!
Walrus: GRRRNNNGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Santa: ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Walrus: BRRNNGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
So busy was Santa bellowing and screaming I was red in the face and blew several blood vessels in my right eye. Kenneth then started crashing about the place again, smashed into another wall, and surged in my direction.
Well bugger me... Santa near crapped my pants.
For the first time in my life I was scared of something. Santa is scared of Kenneth! Holy crap bags. As it turns out, the walrus stopped charging as it reached me because it just wanted to nuzzle up with me again.
What in the name of Christ am I to do with this accursed animal!? What have I brought into my life!? I've only just got rid of THAT OLD CRONE of mine (the wife, who didn't divorce me I DIVORCED HER) and now this massive bastard of a monster has taken a liking to me!
Is it my pet!? Does he think I'm his pet?!
Really, I didn't understand what to do with this situation so I solved the problem in a good old fashioned Santa Claus way. I got pissed out of my head.
The New Santa Claus Website
Markus, my head elf, prodded me awake with a stick. I came to with a start, realising I'd passed out in my office easy chair and had wet myself. Slobber was all over me.
Amidst my grunting I could see some pathetic wastrels standing next to Markus. Dorks. With glasses. I said nothing, merely drooled.
"Sir," Began Markus, "These are the web developers you've hired to overhaul the Santa Claus website."
This was news to Santa.
There was no information available from my brain about hiring those dorks... Kenneth was the only new hire and I was now determined to avoid him at all costs.
Santa didn't even know we had a website.
A long and arduous silence followed for several minutes as Santa tried to make sense of all this. Markus and the dorks stood awkwardly for some time, shuffling and scratching as the uncomfortable silence grew.
Finally, Santa let rip with an enormous belch and began slugging from a bottle of whiskey off his office desk.
"Sir?" Markus piped out.
"Santa didn't hire no dorks, Markus. Get rid of them. Take them out back... and... HAVE KENNETH CRUSH THEM TO DEATH!"
The dorks got very agitated by my announcement, but Markus reminded me a new website design (as the site hadn't changed since 1998) would bring in lucrative new income streams. Once Santa heard of this, I changed tact.
The dorks wouldn't be crushed to death.
Instead, they'd complete the new website for me on pain of death. With Kenneth watching over them. One wrong move... KABLAMMO! Flat as a pancake.
Santa sat there, piss wet through, cackling like a madman before erupting into a full-blown evil laugh on his despicable plan.
"Very well, Markus! Let them get on with the job!"
"Sir?"
"What?!"
"Where, er... can they work, sir?"
"Get them set up out back, next to the cesspit."
The dorks thought Santa was joking. For one stupid moment they believed I'd be a benevolent, jolly employer. As they sat out back in -13 Celsius attempting to design a modern website, they realised this gig wasn't the best one in town.
But with Kenneth watching over them, ready to trample them to death at the slightest hint of insurrection, and Santa knew his walrus hire was the greatest he'd ever completed of all time.
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