You've been washing your hair wrong.
In association with premium cleaning product Toilet Bastard, we're delighted to introduce the game changing Shoe Shampoo.
Made almost entirely out of old bits of shoes, plus with added bubbles for good measure, there's no need to shoehorn this shampoo into your life.
You'll be so delighted with Shoe Shampoo, why within a week you'll BE PAYING US to use our product. That's the Shoe Shampoo guarantee!
Shoe Shampoo and the Eternal Desire for Shiny and Manageable Hair
Whether you're a man, woman, dog, or anything else in need of getting all the grit out of your hair, shoe shampoo is the one for you.
Our patented product features the harshest chemicals known to man (possibly to women, too):
- Formaldehyde
- Paraben
- Sulfates
- Triclosan
- Polyethlene glycol
- Diethanolamine
- Semtex
And, of course, shoes. Lots and lots of bits of old shoes grated up, pulped, and siphoned off into the shampoo cartons with all those nasty chemicals.
But it's those nasty chemicals that make those lovely bubbles!
Can't have it both ways, cheeky chops, it's either no bubbles or delightful bubbles complemented by an onslaught of bubbles featuring skin-melting substances used by us as they're cheap and we just don't really give a toss about our customers tbh.
Environmentally Friendly Shoe Shampoo Bottles Turn INTO SHOES!
Although we're not shifting from our highly damaging, idiotic use of single use plastics, we do encourage our decrepit customers to recycle the bottles.
When you're done with your old plastic bottles of this stuff, you can superglue them all together to fashion a highly desirable range of shoe!
That's environmentalism done really well.
Or you can just chuck them into the street. Whatever floats your boat. At Shoe Shampoo Ltd., we believe littering is a natural way to go about balancing out the ecosystem.
That plastic carton will become the home of many a vermin and insect over the next 20-500 years.
List of Things Shoe Shampoo CANNOT Do
Finally, we're legally obliged to indicate a number of items this product cannot do or perform. This includes, but isn't limited to:
- Functioning as an effective shampoo.
- Functioning as an effective shoe.
- Safeguard your health and prevent you from getting outbreaks of:
- Hives.
- Delirium.
- Shock.
- PTSD.
- Agonising burns and sores.
- Gangrene.
- Make your hair shiny and manageable.
It's not the quality of the product that matters with Shoe Shampoo.
It's about the social status.
Shoe Shampoo is cooler than TikTok, Taylor Swift, skinny jeans, perm haircuts, and graphic t-shirts. It'll also likely rip the skin off your skull and leave you with a most fetching Jason Statham shaved head look—very in, these days!
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