In a paradigm shifting revelation, fresh Exeter graduate Smaht Ahss '27, found he had a lot more to learn than previously believed.
"I came into Middlebury as most students do – expecting to learn absolutely nothing, and coast my way to a lifetime of investment banking by day, insider trading by night," Ahss explained. "Middlebury's fall from #9 to #11 on US News's list of best liberal arts colleges really made me lose all respect for the school."
However, Ahss's confidence was quickly shattered. Emerging from his First Year Seminar, Queerness and the Human Body: A Deconstruction of Dance and Sexuality Through the Lens of Anatomy, Ahss looked visibly shaken. "I didn't know there were gay people," he whispered. "Plus, my other classes aren't going much better. I always thought MLK was a lone operator, but my Black History professor says that he inspired a whole civil rights movement. And don't even get me started on Poetry 101 not being about rhyming. Holy shit! I will be dropping that class, but I guess it could be worse," he shrugged, "I could know the same amount but be at Harvard."
Dean Ibee Pipelyn agrees, stating, "We think that Ahss's childlike naivité, and record-breaking low IQ levels, are actually a sign of the work Middlebury needs to do as a college." He added, "We need more students like him – students that have no idea what they're talking about, yet approach the world with a sense of entitlement previously only found in the football team's merciless colonization of the disabled tables at Proctor. The kinds of students that admit how much they have to learn and cheat on every test are the ones who see the most tremendous personal growth."
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