At The Staring Into the Middle-Stance Society, we believe that staring into the middle-distance empowers our cult members into a higher state of being.
Join us today at only $4,500 p/m to enter a transmundane reality of:
- Telepathic communication with aliens.
- Telepathic communication with fellow cult members.
- Telepathic communication with donkeys.
- The capacity to stare through walls.
- A gateway into eternal life.
Join us! JOIN US! Join us and you, too, can master the art of The Middle-Distance and your ability to stare beyond the illusory constraints of reality.
The Middle-Distance: Staring Into Oblivion and Beyond
The Staring Into the Middle-Stance Society was formed by Lord Henry Despicable III in 1989. Lord Despicable has successfully ruled over our society ever since, mercilessly banishing heretics who dare to NOT stare into the middle-distance.
To enter our society, you must pass Lord Despicable's tests:
- NEVER stare directly at any society member, ONLY into the middle-distance.
- Society members must FAIL a mandatory psychometric and IQ test (thus ensuring total stupidity and mindless sycophancy).
- Your favourite cheese must be STRINGY CHEESE (any other cheese preference will result in immediate banishment from the society).
That's it. But the first question will be the toughest of them all, as explained by our glorious Supreme Leader Overlord Lord Despicable:
"For all society hopefuls I ask them the simple question, 'Do you like staring into the middle-distance?' It's simple, but effective. A simple 'no' is enough to confirm what I first deduced. THAT THE PERSON IS A BASTARD SON OF A BITCH AND NOT FIT TO SHARE MY BREATHING SPACE!!! ARRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!
However, should they respond with a 'yes', this confirms the individual does, indeed, enjoy staring into the middle-distance. Considering we are the society FOR staring into the middle-distance, this confirms their absolute suitability.
Sometimes the most simple approaches are simplistic enough to simplify matters accordingly. It is my tried-and-tested route and it has ensured our way of life (that of staring into the middle-distance) has endured for nigh on thirty years!"
If you pass the test, you'll immediately be handed your society overalls:
- A plain white jumper, plain white trousers, and a plain white scarf.
- You'll also be issued with plain white socks and underpants.
You must then abandon all your other early duties and live with our society at our headquarters—a giant mansion located in Canterbury, Kent.
The Perks of Being a Middle-Distancer
Being a member of our cult brings much boundless joy and gay abandon. Each day you can expect to experience:
- Constant and ecstatic rapture.
- An excellent lunchtime array of free sandwiches.
- 10% off at the local gym.
- Eternal life.
Not bad for one monthly membership bill of $4,500 (paid by direct debit straight to Lord Despicable's bank account)!
Enjoy the Boredom of Eternal Life
Members of the society get a free certificate to confirm their participation for eternal life. The certificate will be signed by our cult leader Lord Despicable.
You can flaunt this certificate to:
- Friends and family members.
- Social media followers.
- Any invading aliens who show interest in the certificate.
You may also hang the certificate on your bedroom wall. It's yours to keep for all eternity although, do note, should you lose the certificate you WON'T be able to access eternal life (and we WON'T issue you another certificate). So, look after it!
Do note, upon being dead your eternal life policy will kick in.
You'll then have access to eternal life, although under our strict stipulations you must maintain your stance of staring into the middle-distance at all times and for infinity.
This may prove difficult, not least if in the afterlife you meet luminaries such as John Lennon, Elvis Presley, or King Henry VII.
DO NOT make eye contact with them.
Failure to follow this legal requirement will result in the immediate loss of your eternal life status and you will cease to exist.
The rest of the time, and across all of eternity, you can look forward to the extreme boredom of having sod all to do (except monitoring your eye contact levels).
Sign-Up to The Staring Into the Middle-Distance Society
There are many reasons to join The Staring Into the Middle-Distance Society, as outlined across this rambling and non-sensical propaganda piece.
You're saying to us you DON'T want to live forever!?
Did we mention you might get to meet Elvis?! Sure, you won't get to stare directly at him, but you'll meet him all the same!
And prior to all that, you'll get to spend decades in our society staring into the middle-distance in a state of total, mindless, delirious happiness!
Send $4,500 to us immediately and we'll forward your welcome pack! JOIN US!
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