There may come a point in your life when a boyfriend, or husband, decides to grow a mullet. This is a horrendous moment in the life of anyone on the receiving end.
To have to stare at the mullet day in, day out may prove intolerable for even the most patient person.
As with today's damsel in distress, who is battling a mullet sporting husband who's taking things way too fare.
When Your Husband Grows a Mullet
Dear agony aunt,
Is it okay to get a divorce because your husband grows, and refuses to cut, a mullet? He grew his hair out earlier this year and now is convinced he's a "sex god" and really I know it's because he uses the mullet to cover the increasingly enormous bald patch emerging on the back of his head.
Now, I did love my husband. This mullet thing is pushing the boundaries of my love. It's difficult to fancy him when he looks so stupid. Especially since he's formed a rock band with his mates and they've called themselves The Mullets. That's not an ironic title. They genuinely think they're amazing. Along with doing cover songs they've written songs such as:
- The Mullet Song
- My Love is Like a Lovely Long Mullet
- Stayin' a Mullet
- My Mullet (played in the style of My Girl)
- Mullet in a Bottle
- Man I Feel Like a Mullet
The songs are awful. They are a terrible band. They are a bunch of middle-aged imbeciles trying to recapture their youth. One of them is my husband...
To try and stop him I set fire to his guitar and burned down our garage where they've been practicing, but then they just started renting out a rehearsal studio. When the owner saw me turn up with a canister of petrol and an oily rag in a bottle of whiskey he called the cops on me! Bastard men...
So yeah, I was arrested and then released with a warning. I told them it's because of the mullet but they feel like I'm "overreacting" and several of the police officers took off their helmets and revealed THEY ALSO HAVE MULLETS!
What in the name of God has happened to this once great nation!? Britain once ruled the world! An empire as far as the eye could see!
And now?! Mullets. Mullets as far as the eye can see!
HELP!
Yours, Linda
Hi there, Linda! You definitely are overreacting. Mullets aren't anything to be scared of. If anything, they should make you feel a sense of enormous ELATION.
Like getting drunk on gin and punching someone.
That's because of the catastrophic amount of harsh chemical sprays your husband will need to spray over the mullet, thus keeping it lavish, shiny, and beautiful.
If you're not getting the mullet joy, that means he's not looking after his hairdo properly. The consequences for such unkempt behaviour can include:
- Finding mullets repulsive.
- Wanting to divorce your husband.
- Finding men without mullets (no matter how grotesque they are) more attractive than your man bloke.
- World War III (potentially, if you think about it carefully).
Our suggestion to you is simple—do not divorce your husband.
Instead, grow a mullet yourself. A majestic one! Make it the Rapunzel of mullets, flowing like an effervescent waterfall whipped by the winds and massaged by the Gods to ensure it is the most magnificent mane to ever have existed upon this fair Earth.
Once you have grown this new do, go out and have a pint. All the best!
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