Book your ticket to the angry, menacing joys of The Convict Choir, packed with over a dozen hardened criminals ready and willing to sing beautiful music at you. OR ELSE!!!
OR ELSE they'll DO YOU IN, you bastard!
So, hand over your wallets on the door and expect a black eye and ruptured kidney for your troubles. Because these thugs want to sing at you in gruff, bellowing voices and you're going to listen!
The Convict Choir: Gruff Voices and the Beauty of Those Unfit For Society Yelling At You
You name it, these thuggish ruffians sing it (all while brandishing knives and other hellish weaponry at the audience):
- Ave Mariarrgghhh
- Kumbayarrrghhhhhhh
- Stab, Stab Unto Me
- Because He's Been Stabbed to Death (Arrrghh!)
- Good God I've Been Stabbed (Arrrgh!)
The convicts roar out these numbers in a manner which is, genuinely, can tear inducing. Not least as their grimacing mugs and stench of BO are almost intolerable to behold.
They'll be tears of terror, no less, but what's the point of attending a choir unless you're going to get overly emotional? Exactly!
That is the purpose of The Convict Choir. To scare the shite out of you with disorderly conduct until you've fouled yourself.
Meet the Convict Choir! They're Merciless Criminals With Voices Like Angles (knife angles!)
Only the most brutal convicts enter The Convict Choir. Here they are! Meet these wonderful singers and their mighty baritone range (and bloodthirsty desires).
Cutthroat Craig
Cutthroat Craig is famous for his cutthroat business tactics, such as embezzlement and fraud. This led to his nickname.
He doesn't actually like knives and thinks any thug who stabs someone is a "dimwit". However, he vehemently defends his criminal actions under the basis of, "I only wanted to be rich."
Jeff the Juicer
Famous for juicing his enemies, Jeff is also a vegan who loves nothing more than a juiced apple and ginger shot each morning. Sadly, he gets none of that in prison as he's facing a 335 year sentence (no chance of parole).
Perhaps why there's a sense of delirious, nihilistic resentment when he bellows the lyrics to Kumbayarrrghhhhhhh.
Kevin the Cannibal
Kevin is a cannibal. That's why he's in prison. He had a big long list of unpaid parking tickets, too, but it's the cannibalism bit that landed him with a delightful life sentence.
Of his eating habits he's said, "Other than the decapitating my victims with a spork bit, there's really nothing wrong with it. Nothing different than, like, eating a burger."
Kevin the Cannibal is also fond of sporks.
Bloodthirsty Barry
Famed for his desire to slay all before him, the result of such conquests mean Bloodthirsty Barry has been in prison since the age of 18. Now 55, he's unlikely to ever taste freedom again.
Of such a fate he's said, "Many people make mistakes when they're young. Mine was to go on an insane killing spree. Bit of a whopper when it comes to formative years errors, I agree."
Bloodthirsty Barry has an irrational hatred of sporks. As such, this means he and Kevin the Cannibal engage in regular furious debates on the topic.
Various Anonymous
The rest of the choir can't be named for legal reasons, such is the hellish brutality of their crimes against humanity.
It's unclear on their personal, and respective, ideologies regarding sporks.
In the Event of a Prison Riot
Most concerts held by The Convict Choir end in a prison-wide riot.
Once such an event explodes in a fit of uncontrollable mayhem, it's advised attendees leave the premises in an orderly fashion. DO NOT:
- Scream hysterically
- Panic insanely
- Run for your life
- Shout obscenities
- Push other concertgoers out of the way
- Approach any of the convicts
The last point is particularly noteworthy, as some past starstruck attendees have attempted to get an autograph from the likes of Bloodthirsty Barry. These individuals left the premises in an ambulance with a strong hatred of sporks.
Sadly, despite recovering from their injuries, all of Barry's victims continue to maintain a blatantly prejudiced stance against spork usage.
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