Returning to some short story writing today from the outlook of an egg! This is one of those stories we just started writing with no real idea what it was going to be about.
Perhaps that shows!
But we just liked the idea of Egg and writing about it and seeing where our imagination could take us. Such is the joy of creative writing, dimwits!
The Exploration of Egg (pretentious philosophising awaits you, reader)
Synopsis: An egg exists and thinks as only an egg can do, before exiting its shell to discover a whole new side to egg.
Cast of characters:
Part I: Inside Egg 🥚
Egg. I am in an egg. There are orders of magnitude within:
- Egg
- Non-egg
Egg is the best situation as I shall explain:
Egg is totally where it's at, make no mistake about it! Within you are safe, sound, strong. Nothing can bother me in here, not even Non-Egg.
But what of Non-Egg? A detestable state of being! Worthy of the worst fate beyond death! Non-Egg is a state of being akin to being a baked potato! And you already know the horror of such a fate, of course, but it's worth reminding you that being outside of Egg is like a duck with no feathers trying to swim up a flowing river of lava. Impossible, I say.
Conversely, there's Egg. Prominent in status, looking ahead, not boiled or otherwise, and you shall see many things: humanity in its full verse. And none of that Full English breakfast, arguments over sunny side up, or whether scrambled eggs should be with two, three, or four of Egg. I'm sure you get my drift. As what I'm talking about is the state of being an Egg. You understand? It's about the purity of being.
As to be Egg, is Egg.
I am Egg. Because I am this way, contained within a shell humans fret about having little bits of whenever they debase us via scrambling, purity is the basis of my being. You may consider this an arrogant statement. But I honour my perfection because you humans choose to DISHONOUR such purity on a daily basis. Egg on your faces!
Part II: Outside Egg 🍳
You know this side very well. You've all had a scotch egg or two, after all, and that is the state of being Outside Egg. Cracked and pelted at politicians and used to degrade Egg. Non-Egg is a status of being scrambled, boiled, steamed! Here's a list of abominations:
- Over easy
- Poached
- Fried
- Raw
- Baked
- Scrambled
- Devilled
- Omelette
- Pickled
- Frozen egg custard
- Frittata
And then there is... quiche! My god, there is quiche. And a huge abundance of it. Wander into any supermarket these days and there on the shelves is a testament to the avarice of humanity and its desire to slake Non-Egg. What makes you behave so? You take perfection and you dash it against a wall. Quiche everywhere! Is it a pie? Is it a tart? No, it's super Egg doing it's thing to (oh, the other bit was a nod to that Superman film quote by the way, just to clear up any confusion) ensure humans have QUICHE on the shelves of high-low budget supermarkets across the land and it does make me die a little inside. Non-Egg. Outside Egg! It's like Pavarotti but with a parrot. It's wrong!
Normally when I go off on one of these rants I'm told I'm being too Egg.
I'm accused of being self-righteous and belligerent and not making a great deal of sense. Because who ever heard of an eggy philosopher anyway? Perhaps I'm the first to distinguish between the purity of Egg and Non-Egg. Maybe this is all due to the chronic boredom inherent in being Egg.
Existence poaches essence, as Jean-Paul Sartregg once opined.
He was the first egg-based philosopher. Him and that other one—Simone deggs Over Easy. Fine minds who influenced me and my writings because this is all a bit of a plug for my upcoming debut philosophy work—Boiled and Nothingness (£29.99 available in hardback from all good book shops). In said work I, Egg, argue that the state of Outside Egg is persistent with the nature of being Inside Egg, only to the extent in which one is completely different from the other.
I'm hoping that's such an intelligent observation no one bothers picking apart my argument, because I'm not really sure I even understand it.
It's a daring work. Dare I say it's an... eggscellent book.
Please go and buy it instead of quiche.
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