Whilst Taylor Swift continues to wow audiences across the globe with her self-absorbed preening (masking the chronic, bizarre overuse of private jets with weirdly mediocre pop ditties) there's another star out there who just doesn't get the attention what she doth deserve.
And that's a hell of an opening paragraph.
But Taylor Shoplift is a hell of a singer! With an octave range of one, and an uncontrollable shoplifting habit to complement that limited skill set, she's the starlet you don't dare loose in your home.
The World's Most CRIMINALLY Underrated Pop Singer is... Taylor Shoplift
Taylor Swift is famed for THE BIG HITS such as Cruel Summer, I Knew You Were Trouble, Lover, Blank Space, and other stuff. And you can bet your bottom dollar Taylor Shoplift is eager to cash in on that!
And that's why Shoplift's best known singles are stolen from Swift's catalogue, all reworded slightly to appear distinct. You've got:
- Gruel Summer
- Glover
- Blank Space (Because I've Shoplifted Everything)
- I Knew You Was Trouble
- This one was written to annoy grammar nerds
Of course, Taylor Shoplift uses her immense sex appeal to sell her music. She regularly exposes her ankles on stage and is know to EVEN WEAR HIGH HEELS!
The Victorian era would be devastated.
However, by modern standards Shoplift's antics are akin to Elvis shaking his bloody hips on stage whilst wearing a quiff. Shoplift doesn't have a quiff. But she does have dance moves including:
- Dance
- Dancing
- Breakdancing
- Doffing her (stolen) cap
- Suggesting ankle movements
However, her main course of action is, and always will be, petty theft.
Taylor Shoplift's Track Record of Shoplifting
Shoplift is as famous for her shoplifting as she is for her bafflingly mediocre music. She once stole 35 cans of baked beans in one day. She's so proud of this she boasts about it on the sleeve of her debut album Petty Theft (2019):
"I once stole 35 cans of baked beans IN A SINGLE DAY. This was the summer of 2016 and was definitely the best summer of my life. Didn't go hungry that summer! I had beans."
This admittance of shoplifting did have repercussions, with a small claims court pursuing her for theft. Taylor Shoplift settled with an out-of-court-settlement that settled the matter.
On her second album she went a step further. Launched in 2021, I LOVE STEALING STUFF was an anthem to the theft-prone people of the world.
However, police officers and other law enforcement suggested she was going too far with all of this!
They demanded she tone the lunacy down.
Channelling her finest Keith Moon, Taylor Shoplift detonated her latest collection of stolen high heels and then rented a 5-star hotel room only to blow that up with TNT, too.
The Subsequent Trial and Arrest of Taylor Shoplift
Taylor Shoplift discovered modern life really isn't like what it used to be in the '70s. In a 2023 press release she stated:
"I'm releasing this press release because I think it's stupid I get arrested for blowing up a hotel. I'm a pop star. We do that sorta crap. If you can't hack it, then you can't hack my next album that's a RAP album and it's gonna have songs like YO YO YO YA PRICK and I IZ GONNA NICK YOU'RE SHIT.
I do not apologise for any of my prior conduct as there's nothing at all wrong with it. You're acting like I'm Rebecca Black releasing that stupid song of hers, whereas I have actual talent. Get stuffed, you sad acts! I have £100k in savings and you're stuck in jobs emptying ashtrays!"
Shoplift was criticised for her petulant, immature outburst. However, she responded on her Instagram account with a seemingly endless series of selfies with duck lip pouting and cow-eyed, open-mouthed staring into the camera.
Taylor Shoplift is Now in Jail for Shoplifting
As we closed for press on this extensive feature, it's emerged in the news Shoplift will go to jail for her crimes.
Sentenced with 335 years in jail for 1,335 shoplifting instances, the pop starlet will spend centuries in prison. As the typical human lifespan rarely extends beyond 1o0 years, it's fairly reasonably logical to presume she won't be leaving prison at the end of her 335 year prison sentence in June 2359.
Boo sucks to her, if you don't want the time then don't do the crime. In your face, Shoplift!
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