GRUEL BRITTANIA! The long awaited UK general election commences on 4th of July as Blighty's DAY OF RECKONING. As we all know, England is the best planet on Earth... but only if you vote proper.
Your choices this election:
- Conservatives: Incumbent government since 2010. It's been a devastating shitshow of staggering incompetence, inequality, and lies. Only vote for them if you read the tabloids and don't know any better!
- Labour: Right-leaning centrist government but probably also far-left communists who'll turn this once great nation into one giant, hellish Gulag. And that's not the British way of things!
- Greens: Socialist scumbags whom peddle the Climate Change Hoax (CCH)!
- Lib Dems: Who?
- Professional Moron: THE ONLY FUTURE YOU NEED TO VOTE FOR! 🟨
A vote for Professional Moron's great leader Mr. Wapojif is a vote for yellow (the best colour). With yellow policies and a baffling manifesto, we'll lead Britain (by which we probably just mean England) into a new era of jaundice and economic instability.
As, let's face it, the real wider problem here (on a global scale) is the blatant failures of current-state capitalism. But we can't really point that out, otherwise it'll deeply outrage a huge sect of our potential voter base who don't want to accept this harsh check.
Professional Moron's Manifesto: Tea and Yellow Stuff 🟨
That there above is the Professional Moron song for our election.
The idea for this is to win over THE KIDS for their vote to show we don't blame them for all the problems in the world. But by using The Who there we're appealing to older people who HATE those pesky kids and think they're all soft (i.e. snowflakes), workshy freeloaders who are woke and don't work hard for a living. Which, of course, 99.9999% of all modern kids are.
But aren't! As we support kids these days. They're all right!
We appreciate that's really confused messaging, but that's not our problem is it? Also, it doesn't matter because we've easily got the best manifesto on the market.
VOTE PROFESSIONAL MORON!
A vote for us is a vote for the future. Here's our manifesto:
- Free sandwiches for all*!
- Loitering at bus stops will result in the death penalty!
- Oh yeah, we've brought the death penalty back! We're traditionalists so figured taking one giant step back into barbaric humanity history is a superb way to debase society right now.
- Back in My Day (BIMD) booths for OAP tabloid readers!
- Bazookas are to be reintroduced to British society and there will be bazooka shops popping up on the nearest High Street to you!
- More bees.
- Fewer bees.
- Tea must be consumed all day, everyday.
- Yellow is now the UK's official and ONLY colour. All citizens must wear only yellow clothes and must make regular references to The Beatles' song Yellow Submarine, jaundice, and lemons.
Do note, should we gain political power all the above will be enforced violently in classic totalitarian fashion.
*NB: There's a massive caveat to note here as the free sandwiches will only be provided on Sundays, they'll be on crappy white bread, and the crusts will be on. There won't be a choice of fillings, it's cheese and ham and nothing else. Also, the quality of the cheese and ham is very low.
About the Back in My Day Booths (BIMDs)
For the discerning older people who want to complain about how everything was better in the good old days, we don't want you to feel alienated from our global vision of yellow stuff.
The BIMDs will be located near the new and emerging bazooka shops, thus ensuring the tabloid readers can Go Postal should their cantankerous complaining need to reach new heights.
All good folks need to do is amble on down to these booths (based on a first-come-first-served basis) lock themselves inside. They're then free to rant about the good old days.
After we came up with this idea, we realised Futurama already did it with The Angry Dome. We're just going to try and ignore that and pretend it doesn't exist.
Mandatory Yellow
After the general election, when of course we will win, everyone will be wearing a lot more yellow. In fact, this'll be the enforced national costume.
Your socks, shirts, underpants, shoes, hats etc. etc. All of it will be yellow!
Whilst this may sound horrendous, keep in mind you'll get free sandwiches as part of this outstanding deal. Ham and cheese ones. A match a made in heaven!
Quickfire FAQs On Our Wider Policies
Now, we appreciate some citizens may have questions about our policies on wider socioeconomic issues. We address these below to assuage your (potentially well founded) fears.
How will you deliver a strong economy?
With free sandwiches. We told you that already! Pay attention. This'll ensure everything gets loads and loads of lovely free food. Other initiatives include knocking 20p off National Insurance and offering COMPLETELY FREE childcare for everyone who has at least seven kids.
What are you doing for young people?
We really like Rishi Sunak's policy of enforcing National Service. We think every kid has the right to get blown to smithereens in the name of this great land, thus we'll enforce it too.
Plus, everyone who attends will get free sandwiches.
What about immigration?
Yes, we're aware of immigration
What about our communities?
Look, we like the NHS as much as everyone. So that's why we'll increase funding by £13 annually. We also plan to add 12 new police officers into the police force.
We'll also build 130 million new homes over the next century, probably out of a mixture of salt and aspic (to keep costs down and cut some corners). Most of these houses will house working-class scumbags and will became like Brazil's shanty towns.
We believe it's essential to segregate the riffraff away from the noble, true, hardworking citizens who love hoarding vast sums of wealth over everyone else due to greed (sorry, not greed, we mean due to righteous superiority).
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