50 Shades of Gray was a silly erotic fiction novel that, for some inexplicable reason, became a global phenomenon. To redress THE BALANCE OF SMUT, the novel 50 Shades of Hay launched in 2023.
Although a celebration of all that is hay, the novel's bizarre twists and turns made it a favourite with readers of silly and nonsensical fiction.
Hay is grass that's been mown and dried out by farmers, whom then use it to proliferate their farming antics. Should it make for a erotic romance novel with unexpected bursts of extreme violence? Well, the impossible has been completed!
Delusions and Trespassing in 50 Shades of Hay
"Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of hay, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high."
This work was written by an erotic thriller novelist called L. E. Janes and is set in Chorley of Lancashire. It follows the life of a chippy shop assistant called Jessica whom is assuaged by the allures of a local farmer and his, seemingly, perpetual hoard of hay.
Jessica becomes infatuated with the hay. She begins naming all the individual strands:
- Jeff
- Jason
- Bob
- Henry
- Rupert
- Lucy
- Doreen
She even begins inventing backstories for the hay, such as with Bob and Jason who begin an illicit affair even though Jason is married to Lucy and Bob to Doreen.
The farmer, thinking Jessica is a bit of a weirdo, contacts the police to request a restraining order on Jessica. This is cleared by local courts and she's banned from travelling within a three-mile radius of the farm.
Horrified, Jessica does what any other self-righteous lunatic would do. Donning herself in a full hazmat suit and clutching a flashlight, she breaks into the farm at 3am and steals a bail of hay.
The 500 page novel then descends into a Crime and Plushies style tale of redemption, ending with Jessica going on a berserk killing spree whilst armed with a chainsaw and dressed as a hay bail.
The ending of the work has been described by some pompous literary critics as an "unexpected bloodbath" that's "deeply unrealistic" and "idiotic".
Outrage Amongst the Hay Community
The International Hay Organisation (IHO) responded angrily to 50 Shades of Hay, stating in an October 2023 press release:
"This disgraceful work depicts hay as anybody's business and malleable for personal, perverted deviations away from society (and hay-based) norms. This is so disgraceful we are pleading for some maniac legal person out there to have this bastard of a writer done for crimes against hay. We want to see this so called 'author' burned in a giant stack of hay for this madness."
Despite this please for a brutal execution, author L. E. Janes instead won many pompous literary awards and was allowed to continue on her way due to the nature of freedom of speech.
At awards ceremonies, L. E. Janes did that thing award-winning writers do of standing for pictures, staring into the camera looking stern and profound, all under the belief she has written a masterpiece.
But some critics were not bloody happy about this!
The Critics Who Weren't Bloody Happy About 50 Shades of Hay
In an unprecedented move, L. E. Janes made a Death List for every literary critic who ever criticised her "magnum opus". With this list, she then toured the Earth with two goals:
- To punch in the face anyone who criticised her magnum opus
- To take lovely holiday snaps to show her kids
Sadly, after punching a renowned American literary critic and busting his nose up bad, she was arrested at US customs and is now facing 451 years in jail with no chance of parole.
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