Welcome to Rainbow Inspection Enterprises Ltd. Our B2B service offers 50 years' experience inspecting rainbows to ensure structural stability, colourfulness, and overall threat rating
Rainbows are bloody dangerous things! If one or more of them goes on a rampage it can be the end of civilized society!
That's why we're here to keep HUMANITY safe. CALL US NOW for 24/7 protection from your nearest arch of vivid colours created by the dispersion and refraction of the sun's light by rain.
The Prevention of Rainbows From Going Mental and Destroying Society (PRGMDS)
Our business represent PRGMDS. The soul purpose of both organisation is to ensure rainbows DO NOT go mental. As they're liable to go on a rampage at any moment, this is tough going. They can:
- Topple over and demolish important buildings
- Cause motorway pile ups as drivers gawp in awe at their majesty
- Create mid-air collisions for aeroplanes and Santa Claus
- Smell a bit when left out in the damp.
- Cause furious snowflake arguments amongst dumb bigots mistaking the rainbow for a righteous and true Pride flag.
- Not lead to a pot of gold at the end.
The only solution to this confusing state of affairs is to create a really, really confusing online process that ensures you're really quite miffed off by trying to request our services.
Hire Us Through This Confusing Process
At the stroke of midnight, but ONLY when there is a full Moon, you must ascend an electricity pylon with a klaxon and at the stroke of 12:13:14 seconds you must blast the klaxon to the tune of It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls and repeat this process again at 1am, then 2am, then 3am, and then at 4am. After you have completed this ordeal, you must alight from the, aforementioned, electricity pylon. You shall find one of our expert team members waiting for you below and you'll be able to discuss your rainbow crisis (alongside receiving a COMPLETELY FREE—as opposed to partially free—REWARD).
Free Carrot Upon First Consultation 🥕
As you discuss your rainbow-based crisis, you will be handed your free carrot. You are free to consume this vegetable on the sport, if you please, or as and when suits you.
Free Carrot Policy
Under no circumstances must the carrot be sold, redistributed, or released back into the wild. It is advisable to not consume the item upon receiving it immediately as god knows where the bloody thing has been. Plus, you know, petrochemicals and the like. At the very least peel the thing. Please note, you will not receive a peeler for your free carrot, nor is it advisable you use your bare hands there and then to attempt this process. Do not be a fool.
Rainbow Inspections: Because Zippy and George Aren't Going to Help This Time
We charge £3,000 per inspection. Yes, that is a lot. Well spotted! However, did we mention the free carrot!? Exactly. To ensure your local neighbourhood isn't destroyed by rainbows, contact us through the aforementioned process (we don't have smartphones as we believe these are the creation of Marxists).
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