Human male belly button fluff (BBL—belly button lint) is one of the worst afflictions to ever afflict any human male. Worse so even than male pattern balding.
Any individual stricken with this affliction has less then 200 years to live.
Against such appalling odds, it's a rush against time to remove the fluff from the belly and discard it casually. Dr. Moron is on hand today with advice on how to do so.
Belly Button Fluff and the Weight of Humanity
Disclaimer: Our medical advice is hopelessly incorrect and you'd be wise ignoring it. At all costs. You have been warned.
Hi Dr. Moron. I'm male, 36, and have this continuous belly button fluff crisis going on that's truly overwhelming my life and threatening to be my ruin. I work as a digital marketing manager and I'm really, really important. Without me, the business goes under. So I'm under a lot of stress and been probably overeating a bit to deal with that. That means my gut has advanced a bit in recent years. And my manly hairiness. What it means is I've started noticing a huge, diabolical increase in the amount of belly button fluff accumulating in my belly button. My girlfriend, Nora, says she doesn't mind it, "John, it's not enough to make me leave you. Your small penis is the big problem there." So I'm eternally grateful she's realistic in this area and I'm safe and secure in a loving relationship with that air-headed bimbo. It just doesn't alter the fact this belly button fluff is a massive crisis. Seriously, it's accumulating at such a rate it's threatening to asphyxiate me, those around me, and the wider community. The local newspaper ran a news story on me last week when my belly button fluff blocked an important road junction in town. That's how bad this is getting. I'm dead embarrassed about it. At work I pretend I'm pregnant to cover up for the belly button fluff, but I don't think they believe me. I can hear them talking behind my back, "Pregnant? It's belly button fluff! And the worst case I've ever seen! It better not be contagious, otherwise this'll all end in an employment tribunal for sure." Our 17 year old apprentice said that. The little shit! I'll make sure he never works in marketing in the vacuum cleaning sector ever again! That's his career ruined. But what about me!? What do I do about this accursed fluff!? It just doesn't stop! I love wearing jumpers... does this mean my jumper wearing days are over!? I'm not sure I can live with that, my paunch doesn't look so good in a t-shirt. How am I supposed to lead this business when I look less than desirable? Cheers mate, John
Hi there, John. Bit of a plug here, but if you've got the spare change then why not try out the Male Belly Button Fluff Removal Service? There's a 50% off flash sale at the moment!
If you're too cheap to fork out for that, here's our advice—after turning to our occult sources, we've ascertained belly button fluff results in Hell.
To avoid going to Hell, you'll need a belly button enama.
This is an agonising and expensive process, but it'll rid you of belly button fluff once and for all (and save you from Hell). If that doesn't take your fancy, alternative medicines include:
- Not wearing any clothes (known as "nudity").
- Hacking your belly button out of your body with a blade (known as "self-mutilation").
- Purchasing a belly button plug.
The latter option is a good deal. The plugs cost a couple of quid and slot over the button, ensuring no fluff ends up there. But we still reckon you should get the enema to be on the safe side of things, John.
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