There is no greater, more heinous, more diabolical a crime than a gurgling stomach at work. This is an issue of insubordination and, as an employer, it's essential you understand how to crush stomach gurglers.
In this guide, we'll take you through the ins and outs of stomach gurgling.
From distracting gurgles to full-blown, meeting ending seismic stomach shifts that demand an immediate disciplinary hearing, demotion, pay cut, or instant dismissal.
Gurgling Stomachs and Employment Law: Employers Mustn't Abide Distractions
The Gurgling Stomachs at Work Act 1974 legislates this issue. The Act is from 1974, hence the inclusion of 1974 in the title of said Act.
Officially, the medical terminology for this is borborygmus.
A sad reality to a stomach making loud gurgling noises whilst working is it can lead to more serious issues. Including:
- Burping and/or flatulence
- Clogging work toilets
- Eventual frothing at the mouth (i.e. rabies)
- Days off from work due to illness
- This can lead to loss of productivity, loss of income, and eventual bankruptcy... all due to GURGLING
- High turnover rates due to upset stomachs
As such, it's important to ensure there is no gurgling.
However, issue itself can be caused by other workplace offences, such as eating copious amounts of onions at work, thus exonerating the reason to have an enormous set of bureaucratic nonsense dictating, like some fascist regime, each and every trivial matter in a working environment.
By maintaining such scholastic policies, it'll subliminally remind employees they're essentially just big kids in a big school.
One where the headmaster earns 345% more than them annually, but this is essential for the economy due to... erm... bosses being superior to pathetic employees and NOT HAVING GURGLING STOMACH ISSUES.
Defining a Gurgling Stomach Noise (Borborygmus)
The above is a minefield as an employment law issue, but The Gurgling Stomachs at Work Act 1974 does (at the very least) attempt to define what, thus, a gurgle is.
There are many types of gurgling (such as a beautiful gurgling lake). However, what we're defining here is a stomach.
For example, an employee who skipped breakfast (likely due to being too hungover to make coherent decisions) and, consequently, is left sitting in an important meeting making these kinds of noises.
Such an individual and their noises are holding your business back!
Can you imagine an important client or stakeholder sitting there whilst an employee belly rumbles along? Guaranteed no contract signed, profit lost, and a look of disgust on the client/stakeholder's haughty face to rub salt into the gaping wound.
As such, in your anti-stomach gurgling policy you'll need to define what constitutes a gurgle. Include the likes of a:
- Gurgle
- Rumble
- Growl
- Moan
- Drone
- Krunk
- Gribble
It's essential you detail as many of said noises as much as possible in your documentation for inclusion in your company handbook.
The onomatopoeic noises must be listed thus:
- Gurgle
- Gurg-gurg-gurg
- Glorp
- Glorp-glorp-glorp
- Glop
- Glop-glop-glop
- Squish
- Squish-squish-glop
- Squelch
- Squelch-squish-gurg
- Blub
- Blub-gurgle-squish
A gurgle is a highly complex process and can contain many different noises, almost as if your stomach is communicating through its own language, proverbs, and mythology that it is hungry and that hunger needs slaking with a Pot Noodle sandwich.
Your documentation will need to reach at least 100,000 words and 500+ pages to cover as many of these noise combinations as possible. For example:
- Gurg'le-gurg'le
- Glorp!
- Glop-squish
- Squelch-blub-gurg'le-squish-gurgle-blub-blob-glooooooooorp
Should you miss one or more combinations and an employee commits a stomach gurgle that isn't documented within your documentation, they'll be exempt from any of the draconian punishments you could otherwise mete out on their act of insubordination.
Punishments for Gurgling Stomachs at Work
You shall enforce a mandatory stance of stomach pumping every single employee who DARES to have a tummy rumble during your working hours.
As such, you'll need to hire a stomach pumping specialist to operate at your premises 24/7. Hire a really good one who has malicious intent over a sympathetic bent.
Then should, for example, your content manager have a gurgle during a meeting, a tube can be instantly inserted into his/her mouth down the oesophagus, into the stomach, and, lo, the tummy rumbling ends after the pumping.
Yes, this process is needlessly horrible.
But profit margins are a stake her, employer! It's your duty of care as a business to earn as much money as humanly possible—no human belly must get in the way of success.
Unless it's your beer gut.
But you're the boss, so you're allowed such double-standards.
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