End the year on a high by signing up to Singing Lessons With a Giant Panda!
Legally, we must stress straight away the giant pandas at this singing enterprise cannot sing. Seriously, they're the worst singers humanly imaginable. They can't even speak English, for a start, and they only communicate through a series of barks, growls, huffs, and squeaks.
But if that's the way YOU want to become a superstar in the world of classical, pop, or rock, then these lessons are for YOU!
Enjoy Useless Singing Lessons With a Giant Panda 🐼
Of course you're the next Freddie Mercury, darling! You've tried drunken karaoke singing and your out of it mates said it sounded amazing, so now it's the time to go pro!
Enter our resident singing coach Gloria the Giant Panda.
You book a session with her, come on down at your allotted time, and we'll usher you alone into a room with her. Gloria will then teach you the ins-and-outs of holding a note.
Please also, you'll need to continuously feed Gloria the Giant Panda bamboo shoots or she'll become irritable and restless.
That one's entirely on you. We're not a zoo here! If you want to make the most of your singing lesson, then you're going to have to feed Gloria!
Once your hour is up, Gloria will rate your performance and we'll then print off a certificate indicating you're either a talentless pleb and a no-hoper, or you can hold a note and will be fronting stadium filling bands within the next few months.
ATTEND WINDSHEILD WIPERS! IT'S THE BEST CLUB IN TOWN!
WE INTERRUPT YOUR SPONSORED POST READING DELIGHTS WITH A SPONSORED POST ABOUT THE EXCLUSIVE CLUB WINDSIELD WIPERS!
IF YOU LIKE DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY (and would like a free carrot) THEN MOSEY ON DOWN TO WINDSHEILD WIPERS TO GET DRUNK, HAVE UNATTRACTIVE DRUNK MEN TRY TO FLIRT WITH YOU, AND FORGET EVERYTHING THE NEXT DAY DUE TO A DRUNKEN, NIGHTMARISH HANGOVER HAZE!
How Gloria the Giant Panda Rates Your Rubbish Singing
Just to note, Gloria the Giant Panda doesn't take very kindly to anyone's singing. In fact, her rating system consists of five Levels of Awfulness. This is rated as such:
- 🐼 (adequate): You may come back for another lesson, but the fare will be treble going forward.
- 🐼🐼 (mediocre): Gloria will begin howling in displeasure at your rubbish rendition of Dancing Queen.
- 🐼🐼🐼 (bad): You will be lucky to leave the lesson without Gloria chomping down on your leg.
- 🐼🐼🐼🐼 (awful): So bad the panda will abandon the lesson after a few minutes in disgust (do note, you will still need to pay in full for the lesson).
- 🐼🐼🐼🐼🐼(horrific): The worst singing known to giant panda. Worthy of a mauling by the strongest panda in the land!
Do note, it's £300 per lesson with Gloria the Giant Panda. If you think that's extortionate then, well, it probably is.
Yet few pandas are as skilled in the way of crooning as this black and white beast, so make the most of it!
Sign-up today and sing until you're gay (by which we mean happy, although it's also fine if you're gay as we're a totally LGTBQ+ friendly environment). 🌈
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