One is delighted to welcome you, thine inferior, to one's most splendiferous business service—Lord Rupertson III's Pomposity Centre for Erudite Elucidation on Imperious Superciliousness Pertaining to High Societal Necessitations.
One does not wish to appear haughty, but one is an expert in one's field. Therefore, one must establish with utmost imperative importance:
- One is a self-made multi-millionaire.
- One owns many acres of land.
- One is superior to you are.
One is, therefore, ideally positioned to relay life lessons to thee in the utmost patronising fashion. Rather!
Lord Rupertson III: A Gentleman of Manners and Cucumber Sandwiches
One is Lord Rupertson III. On is an upstanding gentleman with many acres of land.
For plebs such as thyself, the first lesson one must comprehend is the law of the land, thus dictated as it is by the doctrine of the cucumber sandwich. This scripture is studied by the upper classes (NB: superiors) and is a 33,000 pages of living life under the name of King and country. Behold this statement:
"The cucumber sandwich is the abnegation of the obstreperous; riffraff. Consumption through the cavernous gaping chamber upon the face (i.e. mouth) in the most noble pursuit of slaking one's famishment through crust-free white bread-based consumption of long, green-skinned fruit consisting of water flesh."
One must note the riffraff consider the cucumber to be a vegetable.
IT IS NOT THUS!
Furthermore, one must own at least one Rolls Royce. For a Rolls is the sign of vast superiority. One must also be able to check tyre pressure of the, aforementioned, Rolls and have a butler named Jeeves on hand to assist with lifting you into said vehicle.
For one should not have to ambulate into a vehicle when one is successful. One should have servants to do that for one.
The Pompous Words One Must Acquaint Oneself With
First up, one must ensure one uses one instead of the personal pronoun I. This is in order to ensure one's point is made in the most pretentious fashion one can muster.
Thus, you are one step closer to superiority.
To confirm such a status, one must then commence using such phrases in daily parlance as behooven to oneself as:
- One
- Marvellous
- Rather
- I say!
- Jolly good show
- Yonks
- Crikey!
- Bad luck, old sport!
- Bore
- Gosh!
- Indubitably
- Indeed
- Thrice
- Shenanigans
- Perspicacious
- Splendiferous
- Fantabulous
- Obfuscate
Therefore, combining the above into a short sentence one can muster such intellectual might as follows:
"Indeed, one must obfuscate the perspicacious speciousness of the qualia-based reductionism one, indubitably, invariably pertains to thrice daily postulate within the fantabulous confines of mine mellifluous baritone that is antiquated within the antediluvian pulchritude of the kurtosis comporting to milquetoast sussurations."
One shall concur, the above is writing of the utmost highest of standards. The type of singular intellect that indicates one is capable of heading out into normal society and purchasing something such as a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
Not that one would wish that upon even thine worst enemy, but the life mission of pomposity is to comport oneself within the frameworks of knowledge that ally with the ignorance of eleemosynary considerations one must ignore.
For if one is poor one must work harder!
And if one is not poor, then one must be pompous about the matter in most inane fashion. Thus, one shall teach you such lessons at a mere £3,000 per hour. A bargain!
My local competitor, Charles Rupertson IV, is charging £2,500 an hour!
As one can see, one's prices are MUCH better for they are MORE expensive (for no real reason) and, thus, it is how one lives as a superior person—through the needless waste of one's fortune.
No comments:
Post a Comment