It's important, as an employer, to foster a workplace of blame and distrust. You should encourage your employees to never take accountability for mistakes and, instead, seek to choose blaming colleagues.
As with workplace frothing at the mouth, the blame game is crucial in business environments as it helps to create a toxic working environment, which is the best way to ensure productivity.
In this guide, we'll take you through the ins-and-outs of shifting blame appropriately and how to come out of downright nasty situations smelling of roses.
Employment Laws Regarding Blaming Everyone Else in the Office
This matter is legislated under The Blame Game at Work Act 1974 and The Denying Accountability Under All Circumstances Act 2021.
The two acts ensure condemning everyone else but yourself is the name of the game, thus freeing everyone up from personal growth in favour or mindless individualism and egocentric preferences.
Here's an example of an error taken from The Blame Game at Work Act 1974:
"Romney is your average '70s type of guy. He has long hippy hair, a big beard, and he enjoys listening to Pink Floyd. His flares are enormous and his sandals noxious.
One day in the office, where he works as a typist, he accidentally trips on LSD and types 375 pages of Satanic gibberish.
He refuses to undertake an exorcism and, instead, looks for an easy route out of this lack of productivity. He spots his bespectacled colleague Harold in the corner of the room. Harold is also a typist. After overcoming his hallucinations, Romney decides to cheat his way out of a telling off from his boss. Thus, he decides to SWAP his day's work with Harold's when the older man is away on a bathroom break.
The next day, Romney's boss discovers the Satanic verses and fires Harold for being a heretic.
Romney feels vindicated.
10 years later he's running the business, is bald, fat, and wealthy. He reflects back on his LSD trip and Harold and realises, on that great day, he proved to himself flower power and communism ARE NOT the answer."
As you can see, Romney played the blame game and won. He's a stand-up type of businessman and success came his way thanks to hard work and lying.
In your company handbook, you should make it clear what your policy is so that employees can go forth into any working day and deny everything with confidence.
And it really is all about confidence.
If you don't empower your staff members with opportunity to screw people over, they'll lapse back into having a moral conscience. And that's no good for anyone!
How to Effectively Hold Witch-Hunts in Your Organisation
It's good business practice maintain a steady campaign of witch-hunts in your business, therefore ensuring you can dump blame onto easy targets.
There are many people like this in your organisation. They include:
- Janitors
- Apprentices
- Anyone from accounts
- Anyone with "Junior" in their job title
- Work experience candidates
- Communists and hippies
- Anyone who has recently handed in their notice
Feel free to bombard the above with blame for all your failings.
For example, if your business has endured a drop in profits one fiscal quarter, you way wish to send a company-wide email about that in which you blame the janitor. The email could read:
"Dear workforce,
Due to declining profits in Q4, it must be noted this issue is in all probability the result of Gregory the janitor's inability to scrub the office toilets, mop the reception floor hard enough, and unclog workplace toilets.
To note, this inability to meet profit targets means no one will receive a bonus this year (except the CEO, who is set for a £3 million raise, even though I'm rarely in the office and just observe from a distance as you make me rich).
Please direct all your blind hatred of this development at Gregory the janitor. He is a bastard. Do not tolerate his excuses. Call him mean names, mock him mercilessly for his incompetence, and be sure to blame him for all your personal frusrations, too.
King regards,
[Insert CEO name, such as Lord Jeffrey Brobdingnagian III]
Do note, there is the WOKE enterprise that is the Equality Act 2010 that can promote the likes of employment tribunals.
Employees can use these to prevent the likes of workplace harassment and stuff. However, it's difficult to go ahead with them these days thanks to 13 years of chronic Conservative government rule that favours mindless hard-right individualism and capital, so you're pretty much free to do as you please.
Should Gregory the janitor complain, merely indicate if he proceeds any further you'll demote him to office idiot.
That is the lowliest position in any business and has a base wage of £0 per annum.
No comments:
Post a Comment