Last time out Santa Claus hit the panic button for Christmas time. That's never a good sign, but at least it'll make sure you get something under your Christmas tree on the 25th December.
And in a desperate bid to achieve something this year, Santa has turned to modern toys and is trying to produce them en masse. Best of luck with that!
The PooStation 5 and Why Society is Doomed Because Kids Are Soft These Days
Santa heard it on the grapevine. My mortal business nemesis, Jeremy Windfellow of Glorious Gift Land, has procured a bonanza stack of computer game console majigger Santa understands is called the PooStation 5 and is made by this company called Sonny.
Computer game...
Santa knew kids were spoiled brats and soft these days. It was better in the good old days when you could send them up chimneys. Why do kids these days get to sit about playing Sonic the Aardvark on their PooStation 5 when they should be up chimneys sweeping out all the soot!?
Society's gone soft. That's what it is.
But... money talks and Santa wanted to cash in on this PooStation 5. So, I held an emergency meeting with Markus, my head elf, and the other elves to work out how to make a cutting-edge computer game console out of excrement.
Santa turned up to his (my) own meeting 40 minutes late (after an extended toilet visit) and I'd also forgotten to get dressed. This is the benefit of being the boss, though, cos despite the elves being clearly distraught by my appearance they couldn't complain. Otherwise, bazooka!
The PooStation 5 Meeting
Once the elves were assembled, Markus set off the Silence Klaxon that blasted for 35 seconds and left everyone with ringing ears.
After that, Santa (and I was pretty drunk on gin by that point) launched into my capitalist invective. Proper going off on one, you know? It was a long and rambling monologue that swept across many important touchpoints and included huge swathes of business buzzwords I didn't even know I knew. "Synergy" and "ideation" and "excrement". Then I discussed Sonic the Aardvark and why this idiotic character was proof how soft society was these days how it's bloody absurd a computer console was made out of excrement and that's just ridiculous. Santa got very animated during all of this, waving my flabby arms around in fury, spittle and froth flying over the elves sitting listening to my business guru rant, and I concluded the talk by punching a hole into the nearest wall.
I ranted for 45 minutes.
At the end of it all, the elves sat there looking puzzled. I was puzzled by their puzzlement. While I was scratching my big hair Santa butt in confusion, Markus came over to me to explain what was going on.
"Sir, the games console in question is called the PlayStation 5 and it's the work of the Japanese multinational conglomerate corporation Sony. The character you're referring to also isn't called Sonic the Aardvark."
With Markus chatting crap again, I realised it was just down to muggins here to save Christmas 2023. The chief question was this...
How do you get enough excrement to make all the PooStation 5s the world needs?
By Santa's estimate, at least 350 spoiled brats will want one. And that's a lot of crap to procure!
I turned to Kenneth the walrus for help, because he and his family produce vast amounts of waste. They kind of leave it lying around the place too. THE AMOUNT OF TIMES SANTA HAS TRODDEN IN THE STUFF! NOT ON!
But... for once, it was gonna be useful!
By the end of the day Kenneth and his brethren had produced enough slop outside the factory gates to make at least 150 PooStation 5s. I got Markus (he's my head elf, rememebr) to syphon the contents of the elves' cesspit out back right through into factory unit 3. Combined with the walrus lot, we filled 13 large vats with enough of the stuff to make the game consoles and yeah well there you go.
Santa must say... I really don't get kids these days.
Why would they want a computer game console that stinks of poo? It is very confusing. Nevertheless, billions were at stake and so I left the elves to get on with creating the machines.
Santa's Interview With Insider Business
With my exceptional leadership completed for the day, Santa went off to chillax. Nurse Doreen has been encouraging me to take up yoga. This to alleviate my symptoms of:
- Gout
- Hypertension
- Thunderous alcoholism
- Narcissistic personality disorder
Nurse Doreen got me a yoga mat and everything. Santa tried 10 minutes of a class and ended up with diphtheria and scurvy. Nurse Doreen couldn't even understand how that was possible, confirming once and for all Santa is a medical marvel.
Then the calendar on The Santa Computer reminded me I had a meeting with Insider Business, which seemed apt given all the crap I'd been sourcing that day.
Santa rarely does interviews.
But the world's press had been confused by my lack of progress reports on Christmas 2023, so to ease global fears through blatant lies I agreed to a video call interview. To up my charm offensive I drank a bottle of champagne prior to the call, put my Santa clothes back on (because, yes, I'd been naked all day up to that point), and combed my big beard.
The journalist was friendly enough (until the bastard started asking me questions). Maybe I was too defensive from the off... whatever, here's an extract from the transcript:
Journalist: Hi there! Thanks for joining me Father Christmas, I'm Damien! I hope everything is great for you and I'm just so excited ahead of Christmas Day to see what gifts you delight the world with!
Santa: No comment.
Journalist: Okay... is now a good time? We can reschedule if...
Santa: It's fine.
Journalist: Okay! So, I've heard a rumour today that you've hotly anticipated the demand for Sony's PlayStation 5. Can excited gamers of the world expect their dreams to be fulfilled?
Santa: First of all, Damien, it is the PooStation 5. Please get the terminology correct. But yes, I don't wish to reveal industry secrets but we were on the pulse with this one and today procured an impressive twelve metric tonnes of shit to make the computer game contraptions.
Journalist: I... I'm sorry?
Santa: About what?
Journalist: Sorry, I guess you're joking.
Santa: I have an excellent selection of Christmas cracker jokes, but I don't think now is the time for those.
Journalist: Okay... I'm sorry, but I think we're at crossed communication here. What is the PooStation 5? Is it a novelty toy?
Santa: Well, yes, it's a novelty enough. From what I've gathered, because Santa doesn't play computer game, it's a games console made out of excrement. Hence the title.
Journalist: So, I'm to gather that you've sent to the production line a series of video games consoles... made out of poo?
Santa: That is correct, Damien. I also want to confirm the little girls that we're well on course with our Barbie doll production schedule and will have a record total of 47 billion produced in time for Christmas Day.
[At this point I did something I've never done before. I gritted my teeth and fought every fibre of my being to make an enthusiastic show about all this goddamn bollocks I can't stand]
Santa: ... yay!
Journalist: Okay, so great on the Barbie dolls. The PooStation 5s, are these okay on a health and safety front?
Santa: I shouldn't think so, to be honest Damien, because shit is shit. It's got bacteria all over it and stench is quite awful. But who am I to deny the workshy freeloading kids of the world a bit of fun? If it's PooStation 5s they want, it's what they'll get!
[At this point I managed to give a thumbs up of enthusiasm... I WAS ON A ROLL!!!]
Journalist: The Barbie dolls aren't made out of poo, are they?
Santa: No, of course not, they're made out of Barbie dolls.
Journalist: Okay. What games will be available with your PooStation 5?
[He caught me off guard here because the only game I know is Sonic the Aardvark. I fumbled with my words and near had a psychotic rage. But in Sonic, therein was my answer!]
Santa: Sonic the Aardvark.
Journalist: Sonic the Aardvark? What's that game about?
Santa: How the bloody hell should I know, dimwit?!
The interview didn't last much longer. After that the BASTARD of a HACK went and ran an enormously derogatory feature about Sant Claus! THE NERVE! With the headline bearing the legend:
EXCLUSIVE: SANTA CLAUS MAKES GAMES CONSOLES OUT OF HUMAN CRAP
Slander! It isn't human crap at all, it's walrus and elf poo. I sent him a violently worded email after the article went live but it was too late.
The damage was done.
The world was laughing at Santa. I still don't know why and those ungrateful bastards will all be getting PooStation 5s now! Whether they like computer game or not! I've ramped up the production (POODUCTION!) and those heathens will all be playing Sonic the Aardvark this Christmas! Pricks...
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