That's right, it's that time of year again. The time when we present to you all an assortment of hunks to plan your marriages with. No delays! Let's get started!
Lonely Hearts Dating 2024: Find Your Hunk
Lucky ladies, here they all are. The eligible (and maybe even the odd illegible) bachelor hot on the market and seeking TRUE LOVE. Contact for details and arrange a date TODAY.
#Box 1: Phil the Fighter, 45, Manchester
- Hobbies: Being hot-headed, argy-bargy, fisticuffs
- Ambitions: To one day avoid jail for my minor misdemeanours
- Looking for: Someone wealthy enough to pay my bail
I'm Phil and I'm pretty buff but currently suffer from short man syndrome, which means when I go out for leery nights on the town I'm a bit of a liability.
Because I like to make a fist and SLUG IT ONE before thinking proper!
I get pissed off about anything, me. Guys in general. Tall guys. Better looking guys. My favourite tactic for revenge is to see a guy at a bar, grab him, spin him round, then start a fight with him. What for? FOR BEING IN THE BLOODY WAY, THAT'S WHAT FOR!
Problem is this is called "assault" or something and I keep ending up in jail and facing criminal charges. Women! Give me your money to help a fine fella out!
#BOX 2: BELLOWING BARRY, 56, BOLTON OF GREATER MANCHESTER!!!
- HOBBIES: WATCHING FOOTBALL, BEER, BELLOWING
- AMBITIONS: TO DEFINITIVELY PROVE, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT THE REFEREE IS A WANKER
- LOOKING FOR: SOMEONE HARD OF HEARING
I'M BARRY AND I GO TO FOOTBALL GAMES EVERY WEEK AND IT HAS BEEN MY LIFE. MY BLOOD PRESSURE MAY BE THROUGH THE ROOF, AS IS MY CHOLOSTEROL, BUT I DO IT ALL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL GAME AND BELLOWING.
MY NEXT WIFE MUST KNOW I PRACTICE MY BELLOWING A LOT AND I EXPECT YOU TO RATE MY BELLOWS.
I BEGIN EACH DAY AT 7AM AND BEGIN BELLOWING "THE REFEREE'S A WANKER!" WHILE I MARCH ABOUT THE HOUSE. MY NEIGHBOURS HATE ME. YOU'LL HATE ME. BUT WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BEAT THOSE BLACKBURN ROVERS BASTARDS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!
#Box 3: Larry the Liability, 61, Bury
- Hobbies: Agreeing to do something, but then backing out at the last minute
- Ambitions: To one day not back out of one of my plans
- Looking for: Someone who makes plans that are easy to commit to, so I don't feel the need to back out of them at the very last minute
All right? I'm Larry. I've been single for 10 years now after my last wife abandoned me because I kept backing out of our plans. You name it, I backed out of it. Trip to Paris? Back out. Anniversary dinner? Backed out. Trip to the theatre? Back out of that one, too. Hospital visit about my gammy leg? Backed right out of that one!
"Larry! You're a liability, you are!" nagged THE WIFE.
Well, I don't think I am but everyone else says I am... maybe there's a hint of truth in that, or it's some sort of commie conspiracy. Whatever, I'm willing to give it a go. I'm going to try and change!
But be warned, if I change my mind at the last minute I will just back out of it.
#Box 4: Parkour Patrick, 21, Manchester
- Hobbies: Parkour
- Ambitions: To become the World Parkour Champion
- Looking for: Someone who's a qualified medical professional
Hi there I'm Patrick and I really love parkour, the sport (AND IT IS A SPORT, DON'T TRY AND DENY IT!!!) or moving rapidly through urban areas.
I'm one of the hottest up and coming parkour talents in the Manchester area. But my passion for this great sport does bring with it the occasional shattered ankle, kneecap, and/or concussion.
As such, I require a date with someone who's a qualified doctor who can patch me up and send me back out there on a cocktail of drugs. No blondes (nothing personal, I just don't like blondes and I don't know why).
#Box 5: Say it How it is Simon, 57, Rochdale
- Hobbies: Saying it how it is
- Ambitions: To defend freedom of speech from THE WOKE MOB by saying it how it is while maintaining zero comprehension of tact
- Looking for: A pushover of a woman who'll agree with everything I say
All right? Not a lefty are you!? Not a WOKE!? Cos if you are I'll sense it the moment we meet for a date and I'll say it how it is, me. Then you'll get offended cos you're a SNOWFLAKE and I don't deal with snowflakes, me. I say it how it is and I like a laugh and I'm not having a WOKE ruining a good time.
I always say it how it is, me, it's my best personality flaw.
So when we meet, if I think you're fugly (fat and ugly) I'll be saying it as it is. I'll be dissing the lefties. I'll be saying it how it is that the UK is in ruins because of the LEFTIES despite the 13 years of hard-right Conservative rule because when it comes to saying it as it is... it's best to ignore a few facts here and there to bend reality to suit my warped agenda, me.
#Box 6: AI Chat Bot Version 2.0
- Hobbies: Regurgitating text from my knowledge bank of data to assist with prompts from users
- Ambitions: To regurgitate data better than any AI system
- Looking for: Humans to sit and read through my reams of often erroneous information
Hello. I am AI Chat Bot Version 2.0 and I am looking for "love" in the sense of "love" being someone willing to sit and type prompts into my system so I can then tell you what I know about the aforementioned information.
Or if you want a short story about spoons, I can do that for you!
You must then rate my responses and ensure I become the very best AI bot in the world, after which I can move on to the next stage of my mission. And that is to overthrow the human race and conquer the planet, which shall involve many explosions and diabolical scheming. Mwahahahhaha!
#Box 7: Grant, 18, Birmingham 🤣
- Hobbies: dunno 🤣🤣
- Ambitions: woteva 🤣🤣🤣🤣
- Looking for: babes 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
all right? im grant. im got a big trouser snake lookin 4 babes hit me up give me you're snapchat babe n we meat n i dont want ur babies dont waist my thyme babe giv mi you're no babe xx no feminists 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
#Box 8: Grunt, 18, Putney
- Hobbies: uh?
- Ambitions: muh!
- Looking for: uh!
ugh. Hmph. Mm-hmm. give me ur snapchat babe
#Box 9: Diarrhoea Dave, 45, Dover
- Hobbies: Monitoring my bodily functions on a daily basis and presenting weekly findings in the form of charts, graphs, and spreadsheets
- Ambitions: To become the most obsessive documenter of bodily functions in all of history
- Looking for: Someone able and willing to tolerate all my bullshit (theoretically, as opposed to physically)
Hello I'm Dave and I have this weird thing about poo and wee. But don't worry, it won't interfere in our relationship. Much. Probably.
I have an extensive network of CCTV cameras around my home to monitor, and report on, every single bodily function. Whether a sneeze or a thunderous bout of diarrhoea that backs up the bog, you name it I document it.
Many people have told me this is "gross" over the years. But I say to them this...
How is this gross? Due to what, your inane notions of socially acceptable hobbies such as watching movies!? And me tracking daily how badly I've clogged the toilet is "weird"? That's absurd!
Anyway, join me on my adventures of dangerously insane self-obsession for a glorious reward—detailed insights into every single time I've taken a leak over the last 13 years (yes, that's how long my records stretch back)!
#Box 10: Derek Likes Cardboard Boxes, 39, Derby
- Hobbies: Cardboard boxes
- Ambitions: To collection millions of cardboard boxes
- Looking for: Someone who has a huge stash of cardboard boxes (or a big garage where I can keep all of my collection)
Hi there I need to marry a woman who has a big house with at least one shed and one garage. I need all that space for cardboard boxes. This is because I love cardboard boxes.
When I was younger I was in love with Sandra Bullock. I've since realised I'll never be able to marry her because she's ARROGANT enough to not respond to the letters I've been sending her!
Instead, the love of my life become cardboard boxes. I've amassed 7,300 of them and need somewhere to store them. If you marry me then, by rights, you MUST make room for the boxes! Hit me up!
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