When Robert E. Lee (no relation), '23, received his Second Lieutenant's commission from the United States Army upon his graduation last May, he was overjoyed. Every time Lt. Lee blessed Ross diners' eyes with his starched uniform and slightly oversized boots – at which he seemed to stare incessantly to avoid social interaction – he was dreaming of glorious and triumphant combat against Lady Liberty's enemies. Little did the Middlebury ROTC grad know that a gruesome fate awaited him in an obscure corner of the Third World.
"I didn't even know we were at war with Kyrgyzstan," said Impeerya Lizm, '25, one of the now-deceased officer's former friends at Middlebury. "But hey – whatever it takes to keep us free. Rest in power to Lt. Lee – but I think I'll be able to apply what I've learnt in the Middlebury history department to the battlefields of tomorrow with greater success."
"G-r-bbbhffoij ghgjfff … duhhhhh… ubbbbubbbububhbhbbb," said Major "Bubba" '21, Lt. Lee's former commander. "YAAAAAAY!!!" he added.
Staring down a wall of infidel-hating insurgents, Lee attempted to apply the conflict transformation skills he had gained from four years of a liberal arts education and moderate social isolation.
"Akshually, US-American culture isn't all about degeneracy and individualism," he said to the narco-Islamic Taliban-breakaway faction fighters, sticking a finger primly in the air and smiling smugly, "I think if we all sat down and talked out our differences, you guys would come to accept the neo-liberal way of life." Unfortunately, he was met with what many call 'the warm jihadist welcome,' and Lee's pleas of peace and brotherly love were immediately answered by a .50 caliber bullet gently kissing his forehead.
"I really thought that interspersing a couple jumping jacks and NERF wars within an Immersive™ and Globally Engaged™ Liberal Arts Education™ that is Broad-Based™, Well-Rounded™, Built on Critical Thinking™ and Compassionate Doing™, would churn out capable makers of war," said Lloyd E. Austin, Assistant to the US Secretary of Defense, in a puzzled tone. Within days, the Department of Defense threw together a focus committee to figure out how to improve the ROTC program.
Its conclusion? "Guhhhgggghhuuhhh GUGHGHGHGHGGH duhhh HeheHehehehee," said Brigadier General "Gumbo", US Central Command. "Meuhhh guuuhhhh dadadada. Bowhnnffdiiii HoooRAAAH… ghhhhhaaaa!"
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