By Phuc Ng Desprit '26
Before coming to Middlebury, I was told by my best friend's older brother, Doug "Goopy" Gooperson, that there is literally nothing to do in small New England towns besides drink, ski, and sleep around. I thought to myself, "that's my love language!" and immediately began growing out a stache, learning all the words to Noah Kahan's Stick Season, and promptly decided on applying to Middlebury College. Today, I'm two years into this whole "drink-ski-sex" thing and let me tell you, the third extracurricular is frighteningly unprioritized by the female masses.
Listen, I was told I'd be a solid 6 here and escape the slums of my hometown 4 status. I was promised glory. I was promised a certain degree of desperation from these uhhh... "free-spirited" women. Alas, the "free-spirited" women in the great state of Vermont are more "free-from-shaving-their-pits"! Apparently they're all too busy training for marathons, reminiscing on their semester in Oxford, and looking like they actually enjoy IPAs. (They don't). You know, I used to believe these Vermont chicks were "feminists," unconcerned with "labels of promiscuity." I see now, that I was lied to. While they are the first to say they're "sex positive," I'm left feeling, on the whole, negative, after all attempts at finding "companionship." How am I supposed to have rough and calloused mountain man hands, if I'm beating off twice a day?
Now I know people are attributing this sudden absence of hoes to an overall increase in female self worth, but what about my worth? Don't you women care? You have no idea how hard guys here have it these days. I pierced my right ear for you! What do I tell my friends at Boulder and USC, when we compare our Notes page "Kiss List." That I'm too mature to have one of those anymore?? Because I'm not. I'm so upset I could literally bust. What's a guy gotta do to get his stick seasoned around here...
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