It's good business practice to have bazookas in the workplace. With these short-range rocket launchers in office utility closets, you're guaranteed safety and security from other bazooka-wielding lunatics.
However, it's important to ensure employees know how to wield the, aforementioned, bazookas. Some would say it's good business practice to do so.
Indeed, hence the need to follow good business practice and get all your staff (yes, even the janitor) fully trained in blowing stuff to smithereens.
Employment Laws Regarding Bazookas in the Workplace
Regular readers of our superb business guides will know we like to detail the letter of the law. And once again we have a piece of legislation to govern the matter.
That's a very long-winded way to get round to stating The Bazookas at Work Act 1974 is the explosive force behind this matter. In section 76 (v) on page 43,123 of said Act it states, verbatim:
"You can accommodate bazookas in your workplace if you have:
a) A genuine need for them.
b) Bombastic plans for the, aforementioned, weapons.
c) Certain psychotic desires.
d) Demented and often uncontrollable fits of rage.
e) Egomania.
If you meet the criteria above then you can go ahead and equip your employees with bazookas. Once armed and fully trained, they will be able to defend themselves from the likes of stray grizzly bears, great white sharks, and/or angry geese."
It's important to remember the Act is 50 years old. There hasn't been a single update to the copy since 1974, which is odd given it was published one year before Steven Spielberg's Jaws launched.
Regardless, the Act is one of the more anachronistic in the employment law canon. But it stands as law. As such, if you wish to have bazookas and wave one around a bit in a meeting about profit margins you're allowed to do so.
Case Study: Nadia's Nail Bar Bazooka Venture
Nadia (38) runs a nail bar in Bolton of Greater Manchester. After the COVID pandemic and cost-of-living crisis, she was getting sick of customers running off without paying their fees.
As such, Nadia purchased 17 bazookas.
She then spent two months training herself, and her young employees, how to use the horrific weapons. She explains:
"Yeah, like, you could say it's a bit OTT to blow someone up for not paying for their nails. But think about it from my perspective! I'VE JUST DONE YOUR BLEEDIN' NAILS! Pay Up or Blow Up. That's now the slogan for the business! There's been a police investigation and everything, plus local press interest. All news is good news!"
Pay Up or Blow Up struck fear into the community and eventually resulted in Nadia's arrest and long prison sentence. This was enforced after she accidentally blew up a local off-licence when one of her immaculately coiffured nails triggered the rocket launcher's trigger.
Drafting a Bazookas at Work Policy
You'll need to draw up a policy for bazooka usage in the workplace. Speak to your HR department for assistance with piecing it together.
If you don't have an HR department, walk into a random business nearby and demand their HR department sort it out for you. If they refuse, threaten them with a bazooka (it's truly astonishing how much work gets done when you're brandishing a rocket launcher at them).
The policy needs to lay forth:
- When to use a bazooka
- Why using bazookas is okay
- Morally we guess it isn't, but in a business sense you do get the productivity bonus
- Where to use the weapon
- Indoors or outdoors, but try not to blow up the boss' office
You can also hold direct 1-1s with any employees struggling with setting one of the weapons off.
Or if there are any precious woke snowflakes in your workforce who contest your use of bazookas, you can brandish the weapon at them. Watch as they back down whilst in floods of tears. Take that, you socialist scumbag!
Footing the Repair Bill for Workplace Destruction
Ignoring the health & safety laws on this one, the bigger issue is the regular destruction. Setting off explosive weaponry in closely confined office environments does have downsides. Namely:
- Debris
- Rubble
- Light injuries (such as cuts and grazes)
- Body parts flying everywhere
- Broken coffee machines
It can be expensive constantly repairing your office, all whilst funding bionic new limbs for injured members of staff.
As such, you should add a side-hustle to your business empire. We recommend black market drug dealing, which will add a surplus of funds to your budget and ensure you can easily, swiftly repair those gaping holes in office walls.
Additionally, you can use the bazookas to threaten any dodgy dealers out there who've put a hit on your ass. It's a win-win through and through with this explosive venture.
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