Some families get on like a (figurative) house on fire. Others get on like a (literal) house on fire. Comprehending this difference is akin to mastering kinematics and the nature of angular momentum. It takes a brain of vast genius, and more so, to decipher the complex psychological dynamics at play.
Enter the Professional Moron agony aunt team. We have no formal training in any of this, we go on gut instinct... and our guts are saying we're hungry and need a sandwich!
So, bear with us whilst we slake our need for carbs and then we'll help these dumbasses sort out their tedious familial squabbles.
The Hidden Beauty of Furious Family Feuds
Dear agony aunt,
I'm a 43 year old mother of two and probably three really because my husband is like a big baby in many respects. Our idyllic seeming family life, which I fake a great deal on social media to appear to be perfect with all smiles and the like, is actually a mess right now. A mess! This is because we're permanently locked in a state of family feuding. As soon as we wake up and have breakfast together we're arguing. The arguing then continues through non-stop all day, everyday, until it's the evening and we're having dinner together and screaming sweet bloody murder at one another.
It's getting tiresome. To be in this state of RAGE day in, day out makes me fatigued and queasy. I have started drinking half a bottle of gin a night, so it may be that as well. No, I was not under the influence when writing this! I'm thinking as clear as day!
All of this stems from my husband's decision to buy an outdoor jacuzzi.
I know that sounds ridiculous. He bought the thing three months ago and ever since we've been squabbling about who gets to use the bloody thing. For example, after a long and tortuous day at work I want to get home and get in the jacuzzi with my gin and get moderately wasted. It's my right as a working mother and main bread winner for the family.
However, my husband arrives home roughly at the same time as me and wants to get in the jacuzzi with his beer. Problem is this is a small jacuzzi because he bought the thing on a tight budget. There really isn't room for two people in it. So it becomes this pitch battle to get into the jacuzzi first, with the loser left to sulk in front of the TV watching soap operas.
BUT OF COURSE the KIDS want in on this and well and then start clambering all over you when you're trying to relax in the jacuzzi.
Needless to say, this has caused all the arguing. This is why we can't go 30 seconds without me and my husband cursing the day we married each other! Every 30 seconds "YOU'RE A WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH!" I scream at him. Him: "CRAM IT, WOMAN!"
It's difficult to understand how to resolve all of this. Should I max out his credit card to teach him a lesson?
Yours, Bonnie
Hi there, Bonnie! Is your husband called Clyde at all!? Hahaha!
Witticisms aside, this is a grotesquely serious matter. Yet one that is more commonplace than you may realise. Jacuzzis were responsible for 135,000 divorces in 2023 and at least 13 marital homicides.
It's an issue bubbling under the surface of polite society.
Don't despair, though, for there's a simple solution here. No, it's not our patented hobbling your husband with a sledgehammer technique. Instead, let him win the jacuzzi race one night. All under the hidden proviso you'll secretly ramp up the temperature to superheated boiling water levels whilst he "relaxes".
Then once his roars of agony commence, merely chortle to yourself merrily as you kick back and enjoy Coronation Street. Turn up the volume and revel in his suffering. The bastard! He'll be scarred for life (mentally and physically) and won't go near the thing again.
As for your kids... just distract them with sweets, for crying out loud!
Family feud over. You're welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment