Joseph Conrad's seminal Heart of Darkness (1899) may well, indeed, be seminal. But it doesn't hold a bloody candle to Heart of Dorkness. Written by a self-proclaimed dork author called Normal Smithson, it launched in 2021 and caused total and utter mayhem.
The novel is a tribute to dork culture. The narrative follows the dork Norman McNeurotic on his daily travails through life. As a nerd, he faces discrimination but overcomes these formative issues by merging successfully into society.
Indeed, across the triumphant prose Norman becomes truly independent and defies society in honing his vision of a free and successful life. The work has, subsequently, been condemned in many literary quarters as one of the worst books of all time.
Finding One's True Nerdy Self in Heart of Dorkness
"We dork as we dream—alone. While the dream disappears, the dork continues painfully."
Norman McNeurotic is a Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast. He's a recent graduate in web development and works as a web developer for a SaaS business that creates technology to detect when businesses are almost out of toilet paper.
The business is called Facebog. However, the brand s currently facing a (fictional) lawsuit from Facebook for copyright infringement.
McNeurotic isn't concerned by such issues, though, as he's more plagued by:
- Neurosis
- Social anxiety
- General nervousness
- Awkwardness
- Apathy
- Introversion
Norman does his job, then goes home to play D&D with his fellow self-identified dorks. This is his life and he likes it, apart from the social anxiety he gets when ordering burgers in fast food chains.
One terrible day, his GP informs him to cut down on the burgers as they're affecting his heart.
Norman doesn't like this news and, in an act of defiance, INCREASES his burger consumption. In classic existential fashion as honed by Sartre and Camus, Norman becomes a free agent by slaking his desire for burgers. In so doing he emancipates his spirit and consumes burgers as he pleases.
The book ends with his GP informing him he needs a triple heart bypass.
The Moral Panic Over Heart of Dorkness
Whilst this book promotes a positive and sympathetic view of dork life, for the non-dork community the book sparked furious online debate and many, many temper tantrums.
McNeurotic's Dungeons and Dragons fandom sparked at least 13 riots in the UK and US. It also sparked many social media users to announce he was a "dork" and that he "needs to get a life". Many dorks, geeks, and nerds online countered that the character does, indeed, have a life and it's one that involves playing D&D.
The situation then descended into petty name calling, mass usage of the laughing crying emoji (😂) in a desperate attempt to demonstrate imperviousness to criticism, outright rage, and more rioting.
Burger enthusiasts were also mighty vexed by the suggestion consuming burgers is bad for you.
When confronted with scientific and medical evidence confirming burgers are incredibly bad for them, the burger enthusiasts promptly rioted whilst simultaneously posting hate speech across their social media accounts (very impressive multi-tasking when you think about it).
The situation was resolved by brining water cannons and blasting rioters, computers, and devices.
To be on the safe side, the government then cut electricity supplies for 24 hours to ensure no one can get on the internet. With planes plunging out of the skies, mass looting, and hospitals on fire, the effort was announced a tremendous success as no one was posting crap on social media anymore.
The Planned Sequel and Potential for World War III
Author Norman Smith intends to write a sequel to his work (Heart of Dorkness 2: This Time It's Dorkier). However, literary critics fear the work may trigger off WWIII.
Smith has dismissed such claims as "probably inaccurate" and "a bit sensationalist", although has confirmed a chapter in his new work is about the arrival of WWIII due to a book about dork culture.
Smith acknowledged in an August 2024 interview that this is something of a coincidence.
"It is something of a coincidence, but I'm well read on Carl Jung and synchronicity so figure that's just the Universe balancing itself out. Now, excuse me, I'm off to have a burger."
The sequel has a release date for January 2025. We recommend readers be on the safe side and start constructing Anderson shelters in your back garden right now.
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