As with ping-pong tables at work, inundating employees with pizza on a Friday afternoon is good business practice. It's a superb way to inform staff they should feel mightily ASTONISHED in privilege to be working for your organisation.
Indeed, whilst they chew on high saturated fat cheese and UPF meat and bread, you should swell with a sense of superiority whilst safe in the knowledge you now no longer need to bother with stupid things such as remote working opportunities or salary reviews. Indeed, your work here is now done. YOU GAVE THEM PIZZA! In return, they must proffer for their souls.
This is because pizza parties at work are the best. Complemented by a ping-pong table, there's no better way to confirm to your employees they should feel lucky to be working for you—the saviour of the economy.
Forcing Pizza on Employees is a Morale Boosting Wonder
The Pizza at Work Act 1974 regulates this matter. The iconic foodstuff has existed since at least 1973, so the Act is a worthy testament to its enduring popularity with freeloading professionals.
In section 27 Z of page 34,123 the Act states:
"Employees tend to enjoy the low-quality, unhealthy food product going by the name of 'pizza'. It is a popular dish enjoyed around the world by unsophisticated proletariats. As an employer earning much more than those scumbags, you should take advantage of their disgusting failures in lifestyle by throwing regular 'pizza parties'. This will distract them temporarily but also provide you with a great excuse when those bastards come asking for pay rises. Ignore those requests. Simply inundate the, aforementioned, employees with more pizza until they feel grateful enough to go away and wallow in the cost-of-living-crisis like a pauper."
As such, you should go out of your way to enforce consumption of this foodstuff. Keep in mind garlic bread DOES NOT count as pizza, so you can leave that off the order.
Additionally, you don't want your employees wandering around stinking the office out with their vile garlic breath (see garlic in the workplace for a guide to this catastrophic occurrence). Instead, focus on providing wholesome topping that won't make your staff stink.
The Ideal Pizza Toppings for Beleaguered Employees
When aiming to fatten your staff members up in time for Christmas, choose really unhealthy options. These include, but aren't limited to:
- Cheese
- Extra cheese
- Full fat extra cheese
- Ultra-processed meats (salami etc.)
- Ice cream
- More cheese
Just make sure there's as much cheese as possible on the things as, let's face it, pizza is glorified cheese on toast that unsophisticated, layabout employees have convinced themselves is middle-class. It isn't. They are just pathetic and you should clog their arteries with cheese during many, many pizza parties.
This way you don't have to EVER worry about pesky salary reviews. A deceased employee cannot claim pay rises. That's the eternal glory of cessation of being and embracement of nothingness.
That being said, these events should be viewed (at least in coercing fashion) as JOYFUL and an opportunity for employees to:
- Consume unhealthy fast food
- Mingle with colleagues
- Bond with colleagues
- Have a post-pizza party energy crash
As such, it's good business practice to have a plan in place for your relentless, numerous, never-ending parties.
How to Commence a Workplace Pizza Party
It's good business practice to have these events on a Friday around lunchtime.
This is the tacit rule to abide by. The alternative would be to host one at 9am on a Monday morning... that'd just be a bit weird really. Arrive to work... consume pizza. What sort of job is that!? Absurd.
Indeed, it's common sense to hold the party on a Friday when employees have been slaving away all week and need fattening up for the weekend.
Some of them will be living off whatever they can find in their neighbour's bins, so this is gracious offering for them to slake their hunger pangs. And to commence the party you must:
- Designate a pizza ordering employee to gather preferences and make the order
- Including tolerating that one vegan weirdo who insists on a vegan option
- Await the arrival of the food
- Let the employees consume the food, intermingled with polite chitchat and inane inanities
- E.g. "That spreadsheet you sent me yesterday was top class, Harold! You really are the most proficient Excel user I know! In many ways I am envious of you!"
- Let the employees return to their desks.
- Watch as they experience their post-party energy crash and become lethargic and unproductive.
Do note, this isn't really a "party" per se. It's more a gathering to ensure ultra-processed foodstuffs enter the, respective, bloodstreams of your employees as they saunter along their quest towards Type II diabetes.
Whilst you seek fortune and luxurious splendour, lower your mindset to the level of the white collar professional to understand why this is a noble goal for such a person.
Conclusions: Pizza Will SAVE Your Business
The benefits of hurling cheap fast food at your employees are clear. To reiterate on the above employment law guide, you have these advantages:
- Happy employees
- Full employees
- No need to give them pay rises to foster any sort of long-term interest in staying with your business
- Horrific post-party office flatulence from around 3pm onward
- Potential cases of gout
- Lethargy and plunging productivity due to veins surging with saturated fats and other weird chemicals
There are no negatives to this workplace morale strategy—only glory. It's good for your business, the economy, and to ensure the malingering course of late-stage capitalism towards pizza-based perfection.
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