It's good business practice to have a business. However, within that business you may find freeloading employees sporting "tattoos" (also known as "ink") as a direct flouting of extreme corporate etiquette (such as not having tattoos).
The reason is clear—no successful or well-rounded person has ever had tattoos. In fact, imagine this hellish scenario—you're slaving away at work in the office drinking coffee whilst your employees make you rich, then you notice ONE OF THEM HAS A TATTOO!
The tattoo has clearly invaded the employee's soul and made them listless, worthless, and probably prone to punching people in the face. This won't stand! As our employment law "guide" guides you through in a hellish, pointless rage.
Tattoos in the Workplace and the Wrath of Satan
The Tattoos at Work Act 1974 legislates this matter. In the immediate aftermath of the Act launching, what followed was a 20-month debate over whether the Act should be named The Tattoos in the Workplace Act 1974, but it was already 1976 by that point and the very idea of updating the original Act to accommodate a new year freaked out a bunch of C-suiters.
This is somewhat irrelevant as the Act makes it clear what the Act intends.
It's important to hammer out any sense of individuality from employees, thus shaping them into mindless drones you can control like puppets. This is because tattoos are:
- Scary and mean looking in the eyes of upstanding good traditionalist folk.
- With the massive caveat that tattoos have been around for 1,000s of years, it's just the more conservative folk from yesteryear don't like acknowledging that sort of stuff in favour of indulging in a modernised moral panic.
- Really unprofessional, just because they are under the eyes of uptight, overprivileged, largely obnoxious and self-absorbed business owner types who drive flash cars and like flaunting their personal preferences. But if anything gets in the way of whatever ideology they agree with, they have a hissy fit about that and don't like it.
- Horrendously offensive to customers.
- With the massive caveat the customers are walking anachronisms who also likely find a stiff breeze a major daily obstacle.
- Communism.
Thus, it is clear, tattoos are a curse on capitalism. Any employees sporting them must not ever:
- Be employed.
- Be allowed salary reviews.
- Be allowed pay rises.
- Communism.
Therefore, it's good business practice to ensure tattoos aren't visible on any of your employees during the working day. If they wish to sport them post-work then that is their business, with the massive caveat the ink is removed before the next working day begins.
How do you remove tattoos? With a blowtorch. As such, maintain a blow torch on the property to ensure employees cannot enter your office with any stuff on their skin.
How to ENFORCE a Non-Tattoo Policy at Work
The first step to stopping tattoos at work is to not hire tattoo sporting individuals. However, as that is blatant discrimination on a fundamental employment law basis you'll need to invent some stupid thing that'll circumvent the woke lefty hoo-hah stuff.
One way to do that is through interpretative dance.
Hire a (non-tattoo sporting) dancer who'll vividly demonstrate to an interviewee why they can't have any tattoos. This pretentious shape-making demonstration is likely to baffle the interviewee, leaving them to clear off and abandon their job application with your business.
Are All Tattoos Equal?
A school of thought argues some tattoos are more equal than others. For example, if a dribbling maniac turns up at work with a skull and crossbones on his forehead then you've probably got a moron on your hands.
Alternatively, if an individual arrives with a Chinese symbol or line of poetry on their forearm you may wish to approach the situation with caution.
And by caution we mean whilst brandishing a shotgun, for a poetry leaning ink enthusiast is one of the most dangerous communists of them all—an intellectual.
Refuse the SOB entry into your building. Additionally:
- Baton down the hatches.
- Trigger off the emergency sirens.
- Call the army.
- Panic.
You can control your panicking by drinking heavily. However, be warned this bout of inebriation may lead to you becoming jovial. In such circumstances, you may wind up getting a tattoo.
If that is the case, the following day (whilst sporting a major hangover) you can consider amputating the tattoo-based limb using a chainsaw.
Conclusion: Tattoo or Not to Tattoo? NOT TO TATTOO!!!!
Tattoos are the work of lunatics. We've made a very strong argument for that in the above, rambling, largely incoherent employment law guide (that probably has typos in it and everything).
However, therefore, and, it is of the opinion of our factually driven subjective take on this subject matter therein.
As such, we advise your business to ban tattoos.
To slaked the rabid woke mob response to this act, suggest a popsicle-based substitute. By which we mean employees DO NOT receive a tattoo in favour of getting a COMPLETELY FREE popsicle when arriving to work. Flavours include:
- Marmite
- Haggis
- Scotch eggs
This is highly likely to promote a surge of interest in weird sounding popsicles over brandishing naked flesh with searing hot iron. The result for your business? Severe surges in growth and a lack of communism.
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