As many of you may well know, The Lord of the Rings is a film. But it is also a book that was, potentially, based on or adapted from (or both) the book or film.
Now we've cleared that up, let's take a moment to explore the spin-off series Lord of the Syringes.
Written by AI (the exact tool remains unknown), the work appeared in early 2024 and has since caused outrage in the nerd community. There are some who consider it an "act of war" on LOTR fanboys—despite that, the work has been a big shot in the arm for the syringe industry which has seen once flagging sales skyrocket.
One Very Angry Drug Baron in Lord of the Syringes
"One syringe to rule them all, one syringe to find them, one syringe to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
This is a 600 page fantasy crime novel about a drug baron called Benzydamine Boggins. He's six foot tall, likes drugs, and sells them, too! Got to admire a man who channels his passion into a career, eh?
Boggins lives in a squat but, one day, he decides to go on a drug-fuelled adventure into town to score some more drugs and grab a burger. Whilst doing so, he falls off a bridge into a pit of 1,000s of discarded syringes. Realising there's a buck or two to be had her, he steals a load of Tesco carrier bags with the needles and lugs them off home. There he:
- Sterilises them in boiling water
- Takes some drugs
- Forgets what has happened
- Wakes up the next morning confused as to why there are syringes everywhere
In the squat, his fellow squatters find all this amusing but a bit weird. Boggins is soon dubbed Lord of the Syringes and mocked mercilessly for his corner of the squat being home to 1,000 useless needles.
The course of the narrative subsequently explores what it means to be rich with syringes (but nothing else) with themes covered such as:
- Existential despair
- Needles
- Drugs
- Failed business enterprises
- Libertarian enterprises of free will
- Realising there is no free will
- Buying a burger due to marketing-based brainwashing
The novel ends with Boggins lugging the syringes to a cliff by the seaside and tossing the needles into the ocean. 10,000 years later, it transpires the local marine life have evolved with the syringes and various new species have emerged.
This includes a great white syringe, a sub-species of great white sharks, that has giant needles for teeth.
Critical Reaction to the Work and Needles
Literary critics and drug addicts dismissed the AI work as absurd but entertaining. However, LOTR fanboys took matters a step further by physically attacking computers with copies of Tolkien's book.
The main development, however, was the sudden surge in sales of needles. The industry reported a 1,001% increase in purchases, whilst local law enforcements celebrated skyrocketing drug use. A chief constable in Bolton of Greater Manchester exclusively told Professional Moron:
"It's superb! We've seen this remarkable increase in public drug use. Our coppers on the beat have described old grannies waving around syringes and stabbing out boys on the beat with them! The sense of local community has never felt so strong. Plus, people openly smacking up in public will soon be a societal norm... what's that? These are things we're supposed to prevent? I'll check in on the chief of police there."
It later emerged the police are, indeed, supposed to crack down on that sort of thing.
Subsequently, enraged coppers took to the streets of Lancashire and Greater Manchester to whack everyone in sight with truncheons. The incident has since become known as The Great Syringe Crackdown.
With the emphasis very heavily on crack. Don't do drugs, kids!
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